what to do when guilt keeps you in a relationship?

Being in a relationship where the central desire to stay in their relationship is no longer “love” or the feeling of being “in love” can be difficult.  This is more common that I think people like to admit.  People stay in relationships out of pure guilt, including: what will it do to the children within that relationship, how will it affect the other person within that relationship, and how will it inconvenience those involved?

If guilt keeps someone within a relationship, there are a couple of things to consider when determining if that guilt is enough to make them stay.  One thing to consider is whether or not the person feels as though they can “ live with” the prospect of being with somebody where maybe a functional partnership exists rather than a romantic partnership.  Two people might be excellent co-parents and great financial partners for their lives together/marriage. Still, the romance that would be expected to exist inside their relationship might no longer exist.  If a person determines that they are “okay with” this, they might decide to stay in their relationship.

Another thing to consider is if certain factors that one feels are more important (within the context of their romantic relationship) than their own pursuant of happiness.  If a person determines that staying with their partner for things such as children is more important, then they may never leave their relationship.  The guilt of explaining what has happened to that relationship or watching their children experience a divorce might be too much for that person to handle. 

Another concept that sometimes cultivates guilt within a relationship is the concept of someone feeling as though they “own” someone.  Sometimes, a person's partner is responsible for taking care of them during problematic situations in their past.  Someone might feel as though they have a debt to pay to the other person for “saving them” and experience deep shame and guilt over the prospect of leaving them.

These concepts are unique to the person who is considering whether or not guilt is enough to keep them in a relationship.  Guilt is enough depends on what a person is individually experiencing and not an indication of whether that person is a good parent, a good partner, or a good person.  Everyone has circumstances that are very specific to them and that others cannot understand.  Therefore, even if they determine that some of these concepts are enough to keep them in a relationship, that is their decision, and they should not be judged for it.  It is also important to note; these concepts can change over time.  If someone stays in a relationship because of the children, they might feel very differently about the relationship once those children become adults.  It is just as okay to explore whether or not their relationship is right for them, whether it’s during the peak of feeling or guilty or later.