How can I set healthy boundaries to keep myself from being controlled or manipulated?

Hi Kathy.  Thank you for taking the first steps to make outreach and seek help.  Managing interpersonal relationships can be challenging. When our boundaries are violated, we can feel disrespected and hurt.

Boundary setting is important in many ways.  We must set boundaries for ourselves before we establish boundaries with others.  Boundaries come in many forms.  Boundaries shield our mind, body, and emotions from the demands we put on ourselves and the requests others make of us.  Set boundaries to increase your own comfort and engage in appropriate and caring relationships.

To set boundaries we have to be in touch with our own feelings and understand our values. Make a list of your values, establishing this list in order of priority.  

Determine the limits that need to be established. What will you tolerate?  What do you need to thrive mentally and physically?

Understand what needs to change and cannot stay the same. How has boundary crossings affected you and compromised your well being?

Effectively communicate boundaries. Be clear and concise.  Establish what you need using "I" statements.  Avoid judging and blaming others.  

Be prepared for opposition and resistance.  When implementing changes and establishing limits, you may get push back and be confronted with defensive behavior.  

Be consistent.  This helps minimize confusion and misunderstandings. 

Learn to say "no" or "yes" in reference to your boundaries.  Ensure you clearly say what you mean.  Set limits and uphold the boundaries you establish.  

Reach out to a trained, experienced mental health clinician.  Counselors trained in Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), will help you develop skills to self reflect, understand the values that define you, identify triggers, reframe your thought process, learn to communicate effectively, and teach you how to determine, set, and adhere to healthy boundaries.  

When you clearly set boundaries, you establish a set of expectations including what you will or will not tolerate.  By establishing and sticking by your boundaries, the people in your life will have a better understanding and change their behaviors accordingly.  Healthy boundaries in relationships minimize misunderstandings, improve communication, ensure your needs are met, and create mutual respect.