How do I know If I really feel anything or If I am just trying to get attention?

Hi Kajal,

It sounds like you are trying to sort out your emotions and how you relate to other people. From what you've said, you have the ability to look inward and contemplate how your actions affect others and in turn how they relate to you. You mention that "For as long as you can remember" there has been a sense of cognitive dissonance and that it feels like you utilize your emotions to manipulate others. The first question that I would wonder is, how did you first learn that it appeared you were manipulating others with your emotions? Was this something that someone told you that you were doing or was it something that you realized yourself?

There is something to be said about being able to express how we truly feel around the people that know us best; our friends and family. Showing our feelings and letting others know how we feel is quite different than manipulation. Typically when a person manipulates people around them, they employ many tactics to get the responses that they want from the other people. Often a manipulator will take advantage of another person's weakness or insecurities. Manipulators often convince the other person to give something up that is of importance to them so that they in turn become more dependent on the manipulator.  

Perhaps you've heard of the term 'gaslighting" before? This term refers to a person who is trying to convince another person that they are wrong about something even when they are not.  This is something that a manipulator does often.

You mentioned that the struggle for you is daily as you find yourself connecting with people in certain ways. Sometimes we crave attention when we may not be getting our needs met in other arenas. For example, a child who is not paid attention to at home often will act out or seek sympathy from adults that they come into contact with in other places such as school. This is their effort to get their needs of attention, affection, and even love met in ways that they don't get elsewhere.

Along these same lines, sometimes manipulation is a coping mechanism. In certain situations, manipulation may be the only way to get needs of all kinds met, even such needs as the basics of food, water, and shelter. If you feel like you are being manipulative, perhaps a good question to ask yourself is what are you gaining in the interactions in which you manipulate; attention, help, etc? 

Emotions can actually affect the way we think and vice versa. In fact, our thoughts and emotions are very closely related. When we are in a place of emotional thinking the following things may occur:

Jumping to an opinion – reaching a conclusion without all the information

Black-and-white thinking – at times, we can be inflexible and unforgiving; we ignore the shades of gray

Catastrophizing – overreaction fueled by intense emotionIrrational – ignoring reason and making decisions without due consideration

Emotive judgment – judgments made too quickly, based on feelings rather than facts

When we are able to analyze our thoughts through the lens of the cognitive model, we start to get more information on what is actually happening. Here's something interesting to consider about emotions. The emotions themselves that you are feeling are valid and unique to you. The emotions that we feel are based on so many things that are part of who we are as people such as our core beliefs, our values, our experiences, etc. In fact, two people who experience the same event may have totally different emotions. This does not make one person right and the other wrong. For each individual the emotion that comes up for them is valid and expresses their experience. 

It sounds like there is a part of you that may already know that your emotions in and of themself are valid. You are able to recognize that your friend's passing as well as the pressure of exam season are weighing heavily on you. Grief in and of itself comes with varying emotions as one moves through the stages of anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Often times when we are grieving there is also a feeling of numbness that may make our feelings and experience seem like it is not "real". I wonder if that may be playing a part in all of this as well.

Your best bet to try sorting through all of this would be to connect with a therapist and have some more in depth conversations about your life experiences, traumas, and the concerns you have around possible manipulation that you may be engaging in. The therapist will listen in a non-judgemental way and be able to offer some insight and skills that you might find beneficial as you continue to navigate the challenges that you are facing. 

We all need a little bit of help from others every now and then