How do I move past my anger/self doubt and push myself and become the person I know I could be?

Hi Ian,

I will give you some ideas for consideration, but this response is not a substitute for the experience that you would get in one on one therapy.

Do not underestimate the importance of work life balance. Work is important for meaning in life, but if you do not have good things going on after work and a chance for rest and relaxation and enjoyment outside of work, it is going to affect you. I highly recommend considering the question: Am I taking good care of myself? Is my current pace sustainable over the long-term? Burnout or just exhaustion can be a long and slow process that happens over time. Even holding a phone wrong, the placement of a work keyboard, or small things like a poorly fitted chair can overtime lead to serious physical/ muscular/ nerve problems that require physical therapy/ medical intervention. Here is the point, burn out or mental health exhaustion can build up slowly over time, like the effects of an ergonomic deficiency. Is your pace at work maintainable? Over time we can work longer hours that lead to less efficiency. 

You talked about ruminations. There is no tried and tested quick cure for ruminations. Ruminations are often a sign from our brain that our brain needs rest and relaxation. If you are ruminating at work situations, it is a sign that you need to take better care of your mental health. The more often you ruminate and the more pervasive it becomes, then that is a sign you likely need to do things that are good for your mental health.

Perfectionism is cruel. If you are a perfectionist then that is a hard way to live. Expecting perfection out of yourself on a regular basis can be very anxiety inducing. You may benefit from talking to a therapist about ways to dim down the perfectionism.

The next question that comes from my previous statements is it really necessary to work 12 hour days? That is a lot of work. That seems like an unsustainable pace. You might quickly respond that indeed it is necessary to work those hours. I know very little about what you do. But examining with deep reflection on the hours you spend at work and ways to cut back with a therapist would be a next good step. You might decide that indeed you need all those hours. You might also learn that overworking is some sort of psychological device that you are using possibly to mask other needs as just one example.

Change often happens very slowly. Do you have realistic considerations about what can and should happen. This would be another issue to examine with your therapist.