How do I overcome my anxiety and people pleasing to be authentically me with anyone?

First off, I want to thank you for this question and for sharing your deep desire for authenticity in your personal life. It is very admirable that you want to regain control over your life. Also, this question you formulated can help inspire many others to do the same. I want to begin by saying that this typed answer can only provide limited information to the support your journey can benefit from. Your eagerness to create a profound genuine life is a process you will learn to appreciate and commit to, no matter how much push back and doubt you receive from others. 

A big component to understanding your journey is contextualizing and truly getting to know your history. Gaining deep insight into your history means knowing the dynamics that led to your people pleasing tendencies. It is very challenging to try to break those tendencies when there is a gap in comprehending the factors that caused those behaviors to surface. 

One thing I like to let my clients know is that people pleasing is not just about others, it's about *you* as well. We think people pleasing is all about pleasing others, but this is not fully true. People pleasing can lead to or be rooted in our own self rejection, among many other factors. Recognition of your needs is an important piece to this puzzle. Recognizing these maladaptive patterns and where they come from can help you deconstruct them over time.

You might find that what others want for your life is not what aligns with your own needs. Sometimes, we can find an overlap or a compromise, but over time you must develop the skill of recognizing your own needs. Working closely with a therapist that you trust can help you understand what those needs are. You might find this to be challenging at first, but over time you will more openly recognize what these needs are and pursue them in a way that is healthy. You might have to look the at the full spectrum, though. Personal needs do not stop at the social and interpersonal level. It also extends to practical, day-to-day things to bigger, macro-level areas of life, such as social life, romantic/sexual orientation, religion, health, career, and more. This is an important part of remaining authentic, as your authentic life will reflect these life areas and daily life very well.

So, you might ask yourself: "Well, what comes after knowing what my needs are?"

Once you start gathering perspective on what matters to you and what your life needs are, you can start to move into recognition of how to practice meeting these needs. This is an important factor in overcoming your anxiety as well. Anxiety can steal a lot of your ability to communicate and rob  you from a sense of safety and control in many ways. Re-establishing what helps you communicate better, surrounding yourself with people that validate your genuine self, and re-establishing a sense of safety in your life will be very helpful long-term. 

Let's go into the topic of communication a bit further. Passive communication looks like the doormat version of assertiveness, while passive aggressive communication can look like a balloon filling up over time and eventually popping. Neither will ever get your point across in a way that is healthy. Healthy communication is a skill that might be very challenging to build at first, but is incredibly rewarding over time. Learning the skill of speaking your mind might come with particular barriers rooted in your past. Finding a counselor that is trauma informed and can guide you through unhealthy attachment styles rooted in the past, insecure and unhealthy communication, and other heavy barriers can be very insightful. Here you can also work on learning how to communicate respectfully and directly, hence avoid saying “yes” to everything that other people suggest to you. Your counselor might encourage assertiveness training and implement role playing or other forms of techniques and strategies to help you build these skills. Practicing assertiveness both verbally and non-verbally is essential. It also serves you to no longer identify communication with negative associations. Next time you speak up for yourself and find yourself really out of your comfort zone, you will need to challenge the thoughts that are telling you that what you are saying is unimportant, useless, and silly, among many other harmful thoughts. Creating a healthy social network can help remind you that you are important and matter. This can help to create emotional safety and promote openness.

Finally, I want to cover the topic of codependency. A lot of people know this term, but do not understand how they might be stuck in a codependent loop with others. A lot of individuals who are stuck in people pleasing tendencies might find that they are incredibly codependent on others in some way or another. Breaking codependent habits will come from understanding the difference between being a good team player and being a helpful person versus doing things for others at the expense of your own self, needs, and priorities. Codependency can also come from a person feeling as though they are not capable of making decisions. Therefore, processing this with a therapist that can help you break this down further will prove to be helpful.

Learning to practice your assertiveness over time will be helpful when identifying and implementing your boundaries with others. Working closely with a counselor can help you figure out what keeps you stuck in terms of boundary development. One thing I like to inform my clients is that boundaries keep relationships healthy and can increase the longevity of these relationships. It is not a brick wall to stand behind, it is a healthy limit that protects both/all parties. This is a challenging concept for many of my clients that struggle with codependent tendencies. Learning this is life - changing and can help you understand the value and worth of understanding limits in interpersonal relationships.

That said, I wish you the best on your journey to a more authentic life and all the healing that comes along with it!