Ask a therapist > Other > How do I stop being so afraid of everything revolving our relationship?

How do I stop being so afraid of everything revolving our relationship?

Two years ago I was in my first relationship. This relationship only lasted 6 months and when it ended I felt completely blindsided. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he felt he couldn't love me enough for me to be satisfied. This really broke my heart because in my head he was my first love. One of the main problems was that he wouldn't tell his parents about our relationship, which should have been a red flag, but I always believed he would tell them eventually. A couple months later he started dating one of my friends and told his parents about their relationship. This made me feel like something was wrong with me and I wasn't good enough.

I am currently in a relationship with a guy I've been seeing for 6 months. We are still young (20 years old), but I really care about him and can genuinely see a future with him. Deep down I know he cares and loves me too and wants the same thing. However, I can never seem to shake the feeling that I love him more and am constantly scared something will happen and I will be completely blindsided and left with a broken heart. I can't help but feel like my previous relationship and my inability to let go of what happened has been holding me back. I am not very needy in a lot of aspects of the relationship, however he mentioned that he felt like I wanted to spend too much time with him.

Asked by Wally

Other

Answered

06/02/2022

Hello Wally:

Thanks for submitting such an important question. It is human nature to seek relationships born out of our innate need to be loved and to feel a sense of belonging. Whenever these needs are not met, we tend to feel isolated and unloved. Our family relationship and the environment we were raised in contribute to how we accept and respond to love and relationships. In your letter you stated 'I can never seem to shake the feeling that I love him more and am constantly scared something will happen and I will be completely blindsided and left with a broken heart'. This statement leads me to immediately ask the question of how are you attaching to your mates? In the field of Psychology, John Bowlby did extensive work on Attachment Theory in relationships. He discovered that there are 4 styles of attachment:

1. Anxious - often described as preoccupied and 'clingy'.

2. Avoidant - Dismissive and unsure of self.

3. Disorganized - Fearful of what will happen in the relationship.

4. Secure - self assured and confident in self and the relationship.

Based on the information that you provide, I am tempted to place you in the Anxious attachment style group. You state that you know he loves you but you love him more. This statement gives me a clue that there is some anxiety present that needs to be explored. The answer could lie in your childhood relationship with caregivers. For someone with this attachment style, the absence of support and or intimacy can lead persons in this attachment group to become more anxious, clingy, demanding, preoccupied with the relationship and desperate for love and attention. This could all lead to a sense of confusion and lack of understanding of why relationships end. Understanding how to manage your own emotions is a crucial skill for an anxious attachment person to learn, if you are moving towards a "secured attachment style". This involves self examination and introspection.

After a relationship ends, then trusting another person can be difficult and will be a process or journey in self exploration and learning how to trust again.

Mrs. Jean Brown