i cant find happiness

Alex, I understand that right now, happiness may seem like the thing furthest away from you because of all that you must have been through!

The fact, that you mention happiness, and perhaps fiercely desire it, also tells me, that you are a survivor, who still has hope, and who does not discount the possibility of having happiness, again.  I want to see, if perhaps, I can offer you a way of examining what is happening to you right now, and how this experience can move you toward the possibility of what happiness could be in your life.  I hope this is helpful to you, Alex; as helpful, as it has been to so many others, that I have encountered, having very similar experiences, resulting from long years of suffering, like you must have endured.

I am truly sorry to hear that so much has happened in your life, and that not only you, but that those people around you, who are very close to you, are also truly suffering.  It seems like the pain, and the losses that you have all experienced, have become constant companions to you, and additionally so much of it, has therefore become, an integral part of what you think about, and worry about, and continue suffering through it all, perhaps as if it continues to re-occur all over again, and this way of thinking about it all offers you no true respite, and relief.  Your re-experiencing of these horrible things, become their own torture, unto themselves.  I imagine, from what you have stated above, that perhaps it is as though the scary ghosts of events past, crowd into your present consciousness, and haunt you, day, and night, relentlessly.

If indeed, I have adequately captured your experience, and the nature of the re-occurrence of it all, again and again now, this very sad turn of ongoing events, that possibly gives you very little slack to rest, and opportunity to feel possibly safe, and instead overwhelmed by past memories, and current awful sensations, it can be treated, to offer you some relief.  So, I am saying, Alex, that even though, this is all very sad, it is additionally very descriptive of a condition, that we as clinicians are familiar with, and that can be successfully treated, to offer you the relief, and even help you may need to restore the hope, and faith that probably escapes you now, as you constantly may have these repeating intrusive thoughts, of loss, and pain, that may appear to be associated with everything, and everywhere, and may even include guilt, and anger, alongside fear, of unknown future dangers.  

Successful treatment for this set of experiences, includes the ability, to offer you an opportunity to presently begin feeling safe again, and away the thoughts, and agonizing sensations, of those past memories.  The safety may come, as a result of possibly joining others, in groups to support you, and where when the time is right, you could begin to express your past experiences, in order to make sense, of what otherwise may seem unexplainably painful, and senseless - like a hidden source of mystery that just causes pain, and suffering.  By allowing the safe expression of your experience, you may eventually, and in the company of others who are to support your effort, you may come to learn that you are now safe, having survived through what could be nightmarish events of suffering, and loss.  Revealing the sources of these past events, and taking careful note of how you have survived, and how your safety is here and now, how you are stronger than the pain, and all the suffering, can bring you further away from the pain, and more in contact with what can be the promises of additional safety, and perhaps a present, and future with the promise of a better life for yourself, and those closest to you, now.  So, Alex, I am saying that the "fighting off the stuff that goes on in your head" does not have to happen alone, but instead you can be supported by others in a journey, that can deliver you from this present and constant suffering, and help you move away from it all, into more promising, and safer lands, in your mental landscape, where you will not have to fight, but instead start living again, with more confidence, peace, and certainly a well-earned serenity, where happiness is definitively within reach again!