I feel like failing brought me depression. How can I be myself again? How to start again?

Hello Eva,

Thank you for reaching out.  It sounds like last year was challenging professionally.  You are feeling the residual effects of last years events and it has made it difficult to focus, see tasks through completion and think about moving forward and changing your current trajectory.  The symptoms you list in your message are consistent with depression and many are listed diagnostic criteria in the DSM for depression.  When going through a professional loss and trying to chart a path forward, it can feel both daunting and broad. 

One thing to consider doing is defining what future success looks like to you and then narrowing it down into a smaller more attainable goal.  Working to set a SMART goal (something that is Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Time Sensitive) can help you work towards a larger goal and have something to build off of and scale up.  For example, lets imagine someone wants to improve their physical fitness and they say to themselves "I want to get stronger."  This, much like saying one wants professional success, is an admirable goal but is broad and can feel overwhelming in terms of accomplishing said goal.  A SMART goal for an individual looking to become stronger could be 'over the course of the next two weeks, I am going to go to the gym three days a week to work on my bench press and look to increase the weight I can bench press by five pounds.'  This is a goal that is specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time sensitive which works towards the broader goal of becoming stronger.  Achieving this goal can provide a tangible data point showing the individual is working towards her goal and can build and scale up towards feeling and becoming stronger.  You have been through a lot professionally and looking to set a SMART goal towards your professional development or increasing productivity could be beneficial for you and create positive forward momentum. 

Another thing to look at are the automatic thoughts you are having about the past negative event.  Documenting the negative thoughts you are having and challenging the negative thoughts with data.  For example, you may be having certain negative thoughts about yourself but you may be overgeneralizing and attributing negative attributes to yourself which can be combatted by data.  You may have had a professional hardship occur last year and be telling yourself you are not successful, but there is data from your life showing you have been successful in multiple instances and this is one negative event that is not indicative of you overall.  I know you mentioned there is a financial barrier currently preventing you from entering therapy.  I hope this has helped in some capacity and would love to expand further if you are able to message or have a session together in the future.