Is there a chance to improve my social skills at 21?

Hello Kendal,

I want to start by saying thank you so much for reaching out for support and asking this question.  It is not easy to recognize when something is not going well in our lives and that we may not be able to find our way through it on our own.  It sounds as though this discomfort in speaking with others has been going on for a while for you? 

What you are describing does sound like anxiety to some degree.  The discomfort of speaking, uncertainty of what to say next, difficulty recognizing the cadence of the conversation etc.  This is actually a very common concern amongst people and you certainly are not alone in your experience. This can be especially prevalent in young adults (around your age).   In addition to an increase in social anxiety in general in our society, we also have experienced a number of societal changes over the past few years and therefore are seeing a negative impact in our interactions and relations with other people.  It is almost like we have to relearn to engage in some ways.

The good news is that there are many skills and techniques that can be learned and developed in order to help us feel more comfortable in social interactions and engagements and can help us learn to become better receivers of information/listeners as well as those who initiate conversation with others.  This may look like learning new interpersonal skills through Dialectical Behavioral Therapy by learning to be a more effective communicator.  One might likely also benefit from learning more about their own implicit biases, insecurities, strengths and areas of improvement in order to build confidence in these interactions and feel more in touch with oneself.  Learning how to be more direct, clear, concise, and effective in communication can assist in this confidence and comfort level. 

It sounds as though when you are possibly speaking about things you have an interest in, are more confident in etc, that this tends to come easier for you and other times you sort of get anxious, "long winded", or shut down entirely.  These are normal human responses when we become anxious, uncomfortable, or distracted.  This is good information and a great foundation to begin your exploration and your work in this area. 

Anxiety could also be at play in this case but without further assessment it is difficult to know for sure what is going on.  Should anxiety be interfering with your interpersonal interactions and communication patterns, there are a number of skills and techniques that you can learn in therapy to be able to lessen that discomfort and have more clarity in your mind etc.  Working with an experienced, licensed professional can help you to better understand what is happening for you and how to better harness that energy to make it more manageable and assist you in learning new communication tools as well. 

Hope this helps you to get started.  I would recommend considering an evaluation by a therapist to see what areas you could benefit from more support and education to become a more effective communicator with others in your life!  In the meantime I wish you well.  Happy Holidays and Happy New Year in a couple weeks!