What’s wrong with me? I don't want to date

Hello!  I understand you must be feeling confused and also simultaneously under pressure from your family and even your own expectations.  I can also imagine although you didn't share your age that you must be relatively young and the questions you have about your identity are part of developing a growing awareness of who you are, who you are attracted to and how to explain this to others.

I have worked with some clients who either come from religious backgrounds or who just have not had much experience exploring their sexual identity when they were younger come to me with questions about attraction.  Remember that attraction and who we are attracted to, why and under what circumstances, is a different process of self understanding than knowledge of our gender identity.  You can be very clear about your gender and feel little to no sexual attraction to others.  You may even have an active fantasy life where you feel attraction.  And then wonder, if you will feel attraction and then under what circumstances in your dating life.  

I am glad you are already exploring internet resources on attraction to feel through if certain things "fit".  This does not mean that there is something "wrong" with you to notice and then to ask these questions.  It is a healthy exploration and a growing self awareness. I have known people to explore this and ask these questions while testing out desire and attraction in the world, and working with a sex therapist has its place in this as does a traditional therapist who can create a safe space to explore sexual identity.   You may want to choose each type of therapist at some point in time depending on which issue is most concerning for you, feeling comfortable with who you are, or, figuring out how attraction works for your sexuality.   I also want you to consider when you are ready that there are plenty of in person or online opportunities for conversation and shared experience with people asking similar questions.  Therapy can also support you in taking these positive steps for yourself while finding language and ease to discuss yourself with your family    

If you come from a culture, religious background or have an expectation of yourself that you will be "in a relationship" and that that relationship should meet certain requirements of gender, sexual intimacy and fulfill a role in your life, you may have a lot of emotions to process to help you stay steady as you come to your own conclusions about who you are, what is right for you, and then, if and how you want to share this with others in your family or social circle.  You may indeed also find this relationship.   But it may not be in the same way your peers do.  And that is ok.   We are not all the same and there are variations to sexual identity.  

I hope you continue to follow through with finding treatment to support you during this time.   It is a healthy choice to make!

Warmly,

Elise Jacobson, LICSW