Ask a therapist > Parenting > How do I confront my parents about this while being respectful?

How do I confront my parents about this while being respectful?

My parents went behind my back and told the director of my dance studio not to let me coach last year (my first year of college). The coach lied to me about the situation when we talked about it last summer saying this was a rule she enforces for all college freshman. When talking to a friend last summer, she told me that she was asked to come back and coach her freshman year, which confused me. When my partner asked the director about the same topic today, she was immediately put on the schedule. That’s when my partner was informed that my parents went behind my back. While I know the situation has passed and there isn’t much I can do about it at the moment, it really frustrates me that my parents didn’t talk to me first or make me aware of what they were doing and thought that this was going to be the best thing for me. I feel betrayed and not coaching broke me last year and caused my mental health to slip. I’m 19 and sometimes it feels like I’m still 13 in my parents eyes. It doesn’t feel like they are letting me decide what is best for me.

Asked by Beans

Parenting

Answered

05/12/2022

I know that finding your adult way with parents is a transition that both kids and parents take during life. This is one of those times when you were treated as a kid instead of an adult when you are at adult age.

It is time to speak with them about transitioning with you and seeing you and respecting you as an adult. I think your parents were trying to protect you so you wouldn't be overwhelmed with things as a Freshman. I agree with you though that they should have discussed it with you and come to a decision together.

You can confront them nicely with saying "I know you were trying to watch out for me and take care of me. I love you for caring for me. I would also love if you treat me like the adult that I am. Though I am a young adult, I am an adult and should be consulted with me, about my life. I should be able to have a say in my life. I will respect and listen to what you have to say about things and feel I also deserve and respect the same from you about what I have to say." Then you can bring up how you felt when they went behind your back and you found out what they did.

You can also share how you felt when you lost out on coaching that year. After that ask that they respect your wishes and thoughts on your life and make decisions with you and not just for you. Tell them that it would raise your respect for them if they did so and raise the trust and respect if they consider you as an adult.

Be respectful and pleasant with your discussion but do stand up for your feelings and thoughts. One of the ways an individual can learn to be an adult is to assess an affect of a situation upon another and weigh out the pros and cons of the decisions. You need to be a part of it all or decide on your own so you can learn adult ways and see how decisions effect your life.

I hope this helps with ideas on how to handle this situation.

Cara Tuley

LPCC