How do I stop myself from being angry at my kids and husband?

Hi MP!  I'm Maya, one of the therapists here on the Better Help platform.  I specialize in relationship challenges and I also have a passion for early childhood wellbeing. 

First let me say that the fact that you recognize the problem shows a lot of self insight.  And the fact that you're writing in for help shows a level of care and compassion for your children that I really wish more moms had!  

Being a parent of 2 little ones under 3 is a handful!... and doing it in geographical isolation from family and friends is especially rough. It's great that you've made a small local friend group already! It's normal to feel anxious about driving around in a big and unfamiliar city, so I'd suggest exploring right around your home at first, then branching out gradually.  If you don't have an onboard GPS, use Google Maps on your phone and ask one of your friends to drive with you at first. Almost every city has fun things for children to do and see, many of them free or very low cost.  Investigate your city's offerings online, and set yourself a goal to try just one new thing per week with the kids, such as story hour at the library.  

I feel your pain regarding the hot weather!  It does indeed make outdoor play time challenging. In hot climates, during the summer the trick is a nice early bedtime so that they'll wake up bright an early, that way you can get them out for some activity before the heat kicks in.  Parks with "splash pads" work well for the little ones during summer.  And then if it's cool enough in the evening before dark, get outdoors again, even if just for a family stroll.  

Your feeling that you are raising the kids and doing the housework on your own is a VERY common feeling among 'stay-at-home' moms (and dads!) because they really ARE doing most of the child care and housework! And sometimes they even work outside the home part-time as well!   The spouse who works full time (or goes to school full time to be able to get a good job) IS contributing to the family welfare too, of course!  But (paid) work and school is usually not as RELENTLESS as child care and housework. 

You mention that your husband "makes time" for you and the kids every day, but isn't that just part of the role of being a husband and father!?  I mean, YOU "make time" for him and the kids every day too, right?... even though you also have a job as a homemaker!  So here's the thing... unless your husband is doing a lot of childcare and housework in the evenings, and/or on his days off, the number of hours YOU work per week (doing child care and housework) is probably greater than the number of hours per week that your husband attends classes and attends to studying.   That unequal and unfair "division of labor" usually makes it very hard for the "stay at home" parent to make time for some regular SELF CARE and some ME TIME routines.  Those things are not luxuries, either!... they are 100% necessary for good mental health.  Otherwise, the stay at home parent usually becomes quite irritable, then downright angry and resentful.  And it's often very difficult for the parent who works (or goes to school) full time to sympathize with the "at home" parent, because let's face it... it's just hard to know how mind-numbing and grueling it can get, unless you've actually experienced it!   

It is not your fault that this has happened and it is not your husband's fault either.  The two of you are actually being squeezed by an invisible monster of sorts... the broken ECONOMY!  Here in the USA (and in many other countries too) it is very difficult or impossible for most families to get by financially unless one or both parents OVERworks themselves in some way.  Very few families can afford to hire a part time housekeeper or nanny, which would very likely solve your problem!   Once the two of you realize that this is essentially an ECONOMIC problem, the two of you can TEAM UP to brainstorm some creative compromises and solutions, rather than you fuming inside! Couples therapy is ideal for that, and BetterHelp does offer online couple therapy through their sister site called Regain!  Individual therapy might be beneficial for you too.  Even an anger management workbook could help you a great deal, if you apply yourself to it.  And I suggest you get the book "The Power of Two" by Susan Heitler, to assist you (or better yet, the two of you!) with learning the ins and outs of really effective couple communication and negotiation.  How do I know you need a book like that?  Because if the communication in your relationship were optimal, the two of you would be calmly and creatively RESOLVING your areas of discontent, rather than allowing resentment to build.   

Toddlers can be sooo difficult at times!  But this is also a fun and wonderful phase of childhood that will be over in the blink of an eye, I promise you!... and then you'll probably miss it!   So I want you to be able to fully ENJOY playing with your daughter, like you used to! ... and with your baby too, as gentle playtime ideally starts at birth! So to put the spark back in playtime again, DO work on the underling anger, either through therapy or self help!  Anger is a sign that PROBLEM SOLVING needs to happen, so I suggest you practice problem solving skills... there's lots of free advice about problem solving online, just Google the topic! 

Don't let playtime become stale and boring!  Think of play as something you GET to do with your kids, not something you HAVE to do.  Look online for cheap new ideas for playtime fun.  Play with them YOUR way.  Me, I'm into crafts, so that's mostly what I like to do with my grand-daughters.  I also love reading stories to them.  They also have certain toys I find fun (or at least not too irritating or boring, haha).  There are so many types of play.  Explore imaginative play.  And games!  Bath-time fun.  And physical play too, like dance!   

Being a good mom doesn't mean that you have spend ALL day long playing with your child. It's fine (and developmentally beneficial!) to let your children learn to "entertain themselves" some of the time. I encourage you to play a supporting role in that "independent play" sometimes, by simply sitting back and commenting in a neutral or positive way on what your children are doing.  Most kids love to play to an "audience" that way!  

An hour per day (or a bit more if you're desperate!) of an age-appropriate children's TV show is fine too... get that Baby Einstein going, mom, so you can catch a break!  I'm a big fan of the 'old school' stuff like Sesame Street and classic Disney cartoons for the wee ones, and once she's 3+ she may love Dora The Explorer, which is also educational. Outsource some playtime too!... join or start a play-group with other moms, or sign your 2.5 year old up for a Gymboree class or something similar.  

Motherhood!  It's not easy, but it IS your job.  It's the job you chose for yourself.  And like any job, you've got to accept that it's got its upsides and  downsides.  It's easy to "burn out" on the downsides unless you find ways to get some ME TIME in your day/week, AND infuse the 'playing with my kids" time with some novelty. GRATITUDE can also help.  Start a gratitude journal where every night before bed you write down one thing you're grateful for, even if it's just vanilla bean ice cream or something hilarious that your daughter said.  

And whatever you do, don't obsess about the housework or be a perfectionist!  Establish a minimum baseline of "tidy" and "clean" and shoot for that baseline, not the stars!  In ten years time, no one (including you) will care whether your pantry is perfectly organized right now, and whether the laundry is caught up.  What matters is your RELATIONSHIP with yourself, your spouse, and the children.  Cultivate those relationships, tend to them as if they are your garden, with love and care, and watch them bloom! 

Hope this helps some! 

Maya