Ad hoc advice to let ex-boyfriend go immediately ;)

Today I feel victimized and annoyed that a part of me still holds on to the fantasy world and future that I have created with my 2 years digital relationship and his words. It was a mental rollercoaster at times and we decided to go separate ways past December. He moved on already and has a girlfriend and is still very present in my mind.
I was very well the past week but today I feel bitter, lonely and angry. Most probably more at me that it's still impacting me. I feel an internal conflict between my rational part which is aware and clear and understands why the relationship did not work out - and the romantic emotional part, which idealizes everything from the past and about him, that is hurt.
Do you have an ad hoc advice for me?
Asked by Eva
Answered
08/03/2022

Hello Eva and thank you so much for asking a question. And this is a very good question! It's completely understandable for you to still feel this way at times. When we go through a break up, it can feel a lot like mountains and valleys, we will go through days where we feel great and are so thankful that we are no longer in this relationship. But then we will also go through days where we question the decision to break up, and we start to fantasize about what the relationship could be like if things worked out, this can easily lead to a spiral of anxiety where you start to question everything he said and did in the relationship. I think it's perfectly normal for everybody to do this, so when you find yourself doing this don't beat yourself up, instead you say to yourself, "this is a normal part of the process and it's going to happen once in a while, it's OK for me to feel this way." I would also like to say that the end goal for you is acceptance. Acceptance means acknowledging that what is done is done and there's nothing you can do about it now, this means the relationship is over and the best thing you can do now is work on yourself and learn to enjoy your life. Another really good way to understand acceptance is through a term called radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is the notion that suffering in your life is not caused directly by pain, but instead is caused by your attachment to the pain. So in your case you must ask yourself, "what is the pain I am so attached to through this break up in this past relationship?" I'm telling you to do this because we want to identify exactly where the suffering is coming from for you, if we can identify it and take away the power that it has over you then we can reduce the amount of suffering you are going through.

So what do you believe you're still attached to from this relationship? You mentioned that the emotional side of you is still attached to what it could've been, this is something I see a lot and people who are having trouble getting over something in the past. As I was saying earlier, our mind can easily romanticize and create a life with somebody that doesn't exist yet, we let our mind get ahead of reality. We begin to imagine being with them long-term, buying a house and having children and enjoying life together, when realistically we just met them and don't know that much about them. Our mind creates the situation and then we begin to emotionally react to the situation that has never happened, it sounds so silly when you say it out loud but our mind does this all the time. It's part of it gives us hope and excitement for the future, which can be a very good thing. But it can also lead to having way too many expectations for a relationship that has barely started. And that is where we get ourselves into dangerous territory. I would encourage you to really brainstorm and journal what it is that you find yourself thinking about with him, doing so can help you get all those thoughts out so they're not always swirling around in your mind. 
The final parts that can help in getting over it is finding the silver lining. I think a great part of radical acceptance is understanding the silver lining, this way when you look back at that relationship you're able to tell yourself that you learn something very positive from that experience and are happy that you went through that experience. Doing this reframed the way you look at your past. So what positive things did you learn about yourself and from relationships through this relationship you had with this guy? We want to reframe this past relationship is something that changes you into a better view, instead of being something that you suffer from.  
lastly I want to tell you something that I tell the vast majority of the people I work with. Right now is the time for you to work on you and make sure you are satisfied with your life. I typically tell the people I work with that they need three things in their life for a sense of satisfaction. The first thing they need is a caring community, you need people in your life that care about and support you and people that you care and support about back. We are not meant to go through life alone, humans have always lived in community and we crave being around one another. We need good and trustworthy friends around us and we need to be a good and trustworthy friend. The second thing that we all need is productivity, we are not meant to sit on the couch all day and watch Netflix or flip through our phones on social media. Doing so it only increases our anxiety and depression, and prevents us from reaching any goals. On the other hand when we are productive, it releases endorphins in our brain which makes us feel better and motivate us to be more productive. You can be productive through employment you find purpose in, volunteering, education, exercise, tidying up your own home or even cooking a good meal for yourself. The final thing that we all need is high-quality rest, this isn't about sleeping, instead this is all about you having something in your life that you do just for you simply because you want to. Our life can't be all productivity, we need to be doing things that recharge our batteries. In my own life it's being outdoors and traveling, having a trip to look forward to motivates me on difficult days and when I am traveling I absolutely love it, I feel recharged and ready for life when I come back. We all need something like this in our life, it could be a hobby or activity or something we only do a couple/few times a year. Do you see anything in your life you could improve on after reading these three things? I wish you the best of luck!  

(LPC)