Am I a bad person for pursuing a romantic relationship with a guy that's an ex to an old friend?

Hi P.,

I first have to give you a compliment for how much you wrote in your question.  It shows that you are really serious about getting this question answered properly.   I don’t see anything wrong on the surface with you pursuing a romantic relationship with someone that was dating someone else.  You then went on to say that you are having a deep and genuine connection with that person.  That is all that matters.  That is the whole point of a relationship - for you to care about the other person. 

If he makes you feel supported and seen, that is all for the better no matter who dated who in the past.  As you get older like me, you will start to notice that everyone you are now dating or trying to date has dated someone else.  Many times, these people have dated other people that you have known, and that is not unusual, but that is quite normal.  If all of you have similar interests in things, you are likely to keep dating the same people.  Please realize this, and this took me a long time to understand myself.  What other people think of me is none of my business.  Unless you have severely treated one of these people bad in the past, how they feel about who you are dating now is not your concern.  Your concern is how you are treating the person that you are dating and how the person that is dating you is treating you. 

It is sad at times, but sometimes to have a healthy relationship with someone you are dating, you have to break off another relationship.  It would be great if you could date someone new, and all of your old friends would stay with you, but that is not practical in today’s society.  Please think of this.  If your old friend was truly a friend, that old friend would want you to be happy.  Someone that does not want you to be happy is not a true friend, and maybe it is for the better that you end this friendship with your old friend.   

You then went on to mention how this friend did a lot of things that were not very friendly.  You pointed out that she has hurt you at times, and that you view the relationship as rocky and messy.  If you have never heard the old song, "Love the one You're With.”  Please try and find it on youtube.  It has a lot of good advice from a time before any of us were ever born.  Many years later, the song makes sense with me.  Trying to pursue someone that is not interested in you is just a waste of your life.  If this romantic relationship is treating you right, then love that person, and please don’t worry about what will happen to the friend who is not very supportive of you.  Good friends are supportive, and you need to sometimes to end friendships that are no longer supportive of you. 

Everything that you have said about Tom is positive, and very little that you have said about your friend is positive.  Change is the only constant in life, and that even applies to friendships.  

Please realize that boundaries are not permanent.  Boundaries are meant to be changed as the situations in life will change. We create boundaries to deal with our problems in life.  When our problems in life change, we should be changing the boundaries.  Of course, the opposite is also true.  When someone crosses our boundaries, we have to do something back.  Failing to do something about our boundaries is almost a guarantee that other people will cross the boundary, and then the boundary would be meaningless.  I think that you know that you need a boundary that friends are good for you.  This friend is not good for you at this time.  Letting her slowly fade away might be the best way to save the relationship for the long haul.  Whatever you do, please be sure to make the decision that makes you happy.

Paul Teska, LPC + LCDC