Am I in a toxic marriage?

Thank you for sending in your question. I first want to acknowledge how difficult it can be to reach out for help. One of the bravest things you can do is begin to address areas of your life that are not appearing to be in a healthy place. 

It sounds like there is an opportunity right now for you and your husband to begin growing in your communication. One thing that I often talk to my clients about when it comes to communicating with a partner or spouse is how valuable “intentional communication” can be. Communication by definition is simply exchanging information with someone. I don’t know about you, but simply exchanging information with a partner or spouse typically doesn’t create a sense of understanding or fulfillment during the exchange. There are several skills that help couples grow in their intentional communication. Here are a few that are generally seen as skills to increase intentionality and intimacy in communication: Listen actively, try to understand what your partner is saying rather than judge what they are saying, avoid being critical of your partner, give full attention when communicating (turn tv off and put phones away), be assertive, avoid blaming one another for the situation at hand. These are just a few skills that can be practiced when a couple is trying to grow in their ability to communicate with intentionality. 

Additionally, it is important for you to understand your needs and expectations and how to communicate them with your spouse. All of our behavior and emotional responses can be connected back to a need. Sometimes the most challenging things to work through in a relationship is when we have a need or expectation that is going unmet. I would argue that at times we are not even aware what need or expectation we have until we take time to ask ourselves and explore what is going on in our heart. For example, if a spouse says that they get frustrated when their significant other does not put their phone down when they are having a conversation, they might have a need for connection or a need for quality time that is going unmet by their spouse giving attention to their device when the two of them are together. It might be something that simply needs to be communicated that the one spouse needs devices put away when they are having a conversation. When we are able to identify our needs and communicate them with our partner, it allows our partner to begin exploring ways they are or are not meeting those needs. It also allows you and your partner as a couple to come up a game plan on how to grow in meeting each other needs. 

The last thing I would encourage you to consider is couples counseling or individual counseling if your husband is not willing to participate in counseling. If you are unable to resolve certain conflict or relationship issues on your own, it can be a valuable experience having someone walk with you and your husband through difficult conversations before they become more significant. 

I hope this gave you some helpful tools to begin exploring. Conflict and challenges in relationship don’t have to result in disconnection, they can be experiences that cause you and your partner to grow stronger and closer together and ultimately come out with skills to address challenges that might arise in the future. I wish you and your husband all the best and hope you both can continue on a journey of healing and connection within your relationship.