Bf making fights all the time. I can do no right. Says he supports me but doesn’t feel like it

Dear Stella,

It sounds like you are trying to sort through a lot right now with your relationship. For starters, it might be helpful to make a pro and con list about the relationship to begin your reflection process on whether or not you actually feel supported by your boyfriend. For the pros column, you can list there all the ways in which he does make you feel supported or cared for. For the cons column, you can list there all the ways in which he does not make you feel supported or cared for.

Based on the information that you have wrote, it seems like there is a double standard when it comes to you interacting with the opposite gender and when it comes to him interacting with the opposite gender. If you do not feel like you have ever given him a reason to question you as a person in terms of trust in your relationship, it might be worth exploring why he seems to have moments where he does not trust you. Based on what you know about him, has he had past relationships where trust was an issue? How do you feel the two of you have established trust in your relationship from the beginning? 

The other problematic factor is feeling like you have to hold back on doing your job. From the beginning of your relationship did he know that this was what you do for a living? Does he ever go to your gigs and support you? Why does he not want you to sing at gigs? What is he worried about? These are all important questions, as you both deserve to feel assured about the relationship even at times when you guys are doing your separate things.

Another important aspect that I would encourage you to consider is if you feel like you have been able to maintain your sense of self since starting this relationship. Do you feel like there are times when you can do things for yourself and your boyfriend does things for himself? Do you feel like you have been able to still engage in your passions or interests since the two of you have been together? Do you have times when you both are respectively spending time with your separate friend groups?

It is healthy within a relationship for both people to feel like they have maintained their separate identities and they can still continue other pieces of their lives that they had before they started their relationship. I think that you are off to the right start with assessing how you feel about your relationship. I know it can feel emotionally confusing to sort through things like this, as you understandably care about your boyfriend. That is why I made the suggestion of the pros and cons list so that you can sort of lay everything out in a way that can incorporate both logic and emotion. I hope you find this information helpful.

Best,

Jasmine