Can an infidelity be something I can cope with and move on from?

Recently I have discovered that my husband has had infidelities . During this time I was pregnant and now have a newborn baby. Apparently it is something that has gone on for at least 3 years. I believe that marriage is something that will last If we work together as a team. However I cannot get over the fact that are trust our trust is not there. Every chance I get I think about those infidelities, and I cannot move on. I have thought of divorce but at the same time I feel embarrassed of his infidelities. Almost as if I was the one who failed this marriage. What he did is wrong and I know I should leave because I deserve better than that. We have 3 children now and 9 years of marriage. Will I get the help i need can I move on and be happy, will therapy be right for me?
Asked by Lola cali
Answered
11/29/2021

I do believe that couples can heal from infidelity.  However, the responsibility is on the one who cheated to make amends.  It is the responsibility of the one who stayed faithful to process feelings of anger and betrayal, and for them to learn to eventually forgive.  Unless both partners are ready to do whatever it takes to make things work, the marriage may end.  If only one spouse wants to give their all, and the other spouse continues to play emotional games, avoid responsibility, blame others, or any other form of manipulation, it probably will not work.  

On that note, some people cheat because they show narcissistic tendencies.  Those are the manipulative tendencies listed above.  Many of them will try to convince you that you are to blame for their misbehavior.  Narcissistic people also have a lack of empathy.  They tend to feel no remorse for their behavior that hurts others.  If you see those traits in people, then they may not be a healthy person for you to continue in a relationship with anyway.  Narcissistic people also tend to need adoration from others, so having multiple women grasping for their attention tends to encourage their ego.  

However, if they are both willing to take responsibility for their part of the issues, there is hope.  I do sense from your question that you are taking on some of the responsibilities that your partner must hold, and therapy usually helps with sorting that out.  Even if someone is lonely or feeling rejected from their partner, cheating is still their choice.  The non-cheating spouse does not have to take responsibility for that.  However, in most marriages, there is a lot of issues that lead up to an affair.  Sometimes it can be prolonged loneliness, lack of intimacy, lack of emotional trust, and other factors that can lead someone to venture out of their marriage.  

Whatever your decision, therapy is beneficial in people who may be on the verge of divorce to promote healing so if a divorce does happen, the anger is less likely to spill over to the children.  I do hope you consider counseling for yourself in this difficult time as a way to take care of yourself.