Ask a therapist > Relationships > Could abandonment issues be a cause for the way I feel and how could I overcome them?

Could abandonment issues be a cause for the way I feel and how could I overcome them?

I was friends with a guy for a very little time, and then he told me he likes me. I was not interested in a relationship, but I offered him a friendship, and he accepted it. Fast forward, we were good friends for some months, and after some time, he started to act weirdly, asking for breaks from friendships, breaking temporarily the friendship, until he told me he still likes me and asked me by messages if I had the same feelings for him. I told him I don't feel the same, especially because I didn't like his insecurity, and he chose to leave, saying he wants to recover. I feel quite sad, betrayed and disappointed because he pretended to be my friend all this time but also because he acted immaturely and he left when I needed a friend most.

Asked by Robin

Relationships

Answered

12/16/2022

Hi,

This could an abandonment issue, but I see it as more of a boundary issue more than anything else. First of all, I don't think the man that was originally interested in you was just "pretending" to be your friend. I think he truly DID try to just remain platonic friends, but unfortunately he was unable to put these romantic type feelings aside and probably had to take a chance in being honest with you about where he was at in order to save his own sanity. The boundary issue I see here is probably with this situation in general. If you knew you weren't interested in him romantic and he knew that as well, it's possible that he was secretly hoping that if you stuck around or remained friends with you then you would eventually get there too. Sadly that did not happen and he had to walk away. I'm not sure he actually MEANT to betray you in any sense, but I can see why it would feel that way.

In order to set better boundaries in the future, it's probably not an ideal situation to be friends with a man knowing that he has feelings for you that are unreciprocated. Even if he says he can accept this situation, these types of friendships are often extremely painful and lead to a lot of confusion and blurred boundaries. And understandably so. I mean I would think it would be hard to be friends with someone whom you wanted more from, and trying to deny yourself that would not be easy at all...trying to convince yourself and shut that off is also not easy. So in the future, it's probably a good idea to be able to have some self awareness as far as who would make a good friend.

Overall though, please don't feel bad that you lost your friendship with this man. If a relationship was never going to be in the cards, then it sounds like it was probably for the best. It wasn't the right fit, if he was always going to want more. It's probably wise to chose male friends who are strictly platonic and where romantic interest is nowhere on the horizon.

Mrs. Lauren Krall

LPC