Ask a therapist > Relationships > Do I stay and put in the work for us, or are these red flags and should I walk away?

Do I stay and put in the work for us, or are these red flags and should I walk away?

Hey there,
I am a 27F and my boyfriend is a 26M. We have had a great relationship the past 3 years. Over the summer we hit one our lowest point in our relationship. I was not giving him things he needed from me and he was not giving me things that I needed. Long story short, we had a blow up argument and he left. A few days after we decided that instead of a break up, we should take a break to reflect on what was not working and what we need going forward. It has been a month and a half with minimal contact and we have plans to meet up this Saturday to share our written reflections that talk about each of our needs and come to an agreement to be able to move on in a new fresh relationship where each of our needs are being met. We love each other very much and we were building a great life together. He was also dealing with struggles with his job satisfaction and pretty much is having a quarter life crisis. Are we handling this in a healthy way that can lead to a healthy relationship or are these warning signs that I should just walk away?
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Asked by Nicole
Relationships
Answered
10/24/2022

Nicole, 

 

It sounds like things got really tough for awhile, and that the two of you decided to give it a little space and think about what you both need if you are going to try to make the relationship work in the long run. There is nothing inherently unhealthy about taking a break and reflecting on what is and isn't working is always healthy. I don't know what needs weren't being fulfilled or the full extent of what happened that caused the issues in the first place, so I can't really give you an opinion on red flags.

 

However, as long as, there isn't any abuse and both parties are able to find some common ground and take accountability for their parts there isn't any reason that it can't be the lead to something healthy. I think something that maybe helpful Nicole, is making a list with three columns (I use this exercise with a lot of clients).

  • Your first column should be your hard no's in a relationship (these are the deal breakers, or non-negotiables, i.e. abusive behaviors etc.).
  • Your second column should be things that you need from your relationships (honesty, communication, etc.).
  • The third column should be the things that you would like to have in a relationship but aren't imperative (i.e. someone that likes to go to the gym with me).

Now no one will check all the needs and wants. Which is why we need a variety of relationships to be balanced but that person should be ticking many of the needs and maybe some wants. It also will give you a better look at what is going well and what is missing so that you are evaluating whether or not this relationship is still something that you want to put the time and effort into.

 

However, also trust your instincts, if you just aren't sure that you want this relationship that is okay too - you just need to be honest. If you are still struggling, it might be helpful to seek some therapy to talk through things and the concerns that you have. Relationships are hard, it is okay to need a little help navigating the situation.

 

I hope that this gives you some ideas to start with,

 

Lorraine

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LCPC