Fighting mentally with how I am thinking vs how I am feeling when committing to a relationship.

Good afternoon G, I really appreciate your question.

Having our feelings conflict with our thoughts can be a very difficult thing to navigate. When it comes to romantic relationships, there are certainly several things to consider. You mentioned that something is holding you back from committing to this guy, which has resulted in you being on and off with him. I would encourage you to write out a pros and cons list of both committing to him, and not committing to him. Having the pros and cons for each decision written out can be very helpful to review and decide which option has more benefit for you. 

Another strategy that maybe helpful in communicating or identifying those feelings, would be to write out how you are feeling, as well as what you want to say or express to yourself or this guy. Scripting, or planning out what you want to say ahead of time, even if it takes several days, can be extremely helpful for going into a tough conversation with a game plan. I would encourage you to do the pros and cons list first, as that may help provide some clarity on how you want the script or conversation to go. 

When it comes to being happy or more comfortable when you are alone, I would encourage you to try a couple of things. One is positive affirmations, where you tell yourself several positive things about yourself, over and over until you start to feel more positively, or more confidence in yourself. This practice is extremely awkward at first, but is certainly very helpful once you are consistent with it, and get more practice in. Another helpful strategy is to develop a positive hobby that you can do by yourself, that gives you pleasure and joy. Some examples of this are reading, creating something, or arts and crafts. Anything that you enjoy doing by yourself that can be a positive distraction for you. You mentioned that you live a busy life, so even starting off with something as simple as a bubble bath, or listening to music/netflix relaxing on the bed or couch by yourself can be the beginning of a healthy hobby or habit that you can do alone and make you happy. 

I hope you found the above recommendations helpful. I appreciate your time and your questions!