Hey. How do I stop loving someone that is not into me?

I am inlove with this guy. He has been telling me how much he loves me and how bad he wants this with me. But lately he’s been mizing me and I’m in deep.. I can’t cope lately. He’s all over my mind and the things that he is doing are hurting me. Every time I tell him he says he will fix it but do it again
Asked by Shelz
Answered
12/06/2021

Hello Shelz,

 

Thank you for reaching out on this platform to ask how you can stop loving someone.   Moving on from a relationship situation that does not seem to be reciprocal. Most people would agree you generally can’t help who you fall in love with. But in some circumstances, you might wish that weren’t the case as the relationship you are in is causing you some sadness.   It seems you are trying to cope with some mixed messages from him and that can indeed be confusing!

 

I will share some information that may help create that 'shift in thinking' which seems to be the help and support you are reaching out for.

 

Maybe you love someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you but he is not able to face up to what he needs to do to fix things.

 

“The longing that accompanies one-sided love can affect emotional well-being and cause a lot of discomfort,” 

 

 

Or perhaps you love someone who continually demonstrates they don’t have your best interests at heart. Maybe you and a partner love each other intensely but have too many differences to sustain a lasting partnership.

 

Regardless of the situation, love is a complicated emotion. And even when it’s clear that a relationship isn’t doing you any favors, it can feel impossible to simply turn off your feelings.

 

Try some of these tips can help you start the process of moving forward.

 

Acknowledge the truth of the situation

 

Optimism isn’t a bad trait. In fact, the ability to hold on to hope in difficult or painful situations is typically considered a sign of personal strength.

 

But when it comes to struggling relationships, it’s more helpful to consider the present reality than the future you imagine.

 

The person you love may not feel the same way. Or maybe you feel wildly in love during intimate moments but spend the rest of your time together disagreeing over just about everything.

 

If you believe giving up on your relationship or love for someone means you’ve failed, think again. It takes courage and self-awareness to recognize this. You’ve taken a positive step toward self-growth.

 

Simply realizing your relationship isn’t going anywhere probably won’t make your feelings disappear overnight, but it’s a significant step.

 

Identify relationship needs — and deal breakers 

 

Taking a careful look at what you want from a relationship, as well as what you absolutely don’t want, can help you pinpoint the ways a love interest may not be the best match.

Say you and your FWB have a great thing going. The more time you spend together, the more connected you feel. Eventually, you realize you’ve fallen in love with them.

 

But there’s one big issue: Days, sometimes a week or more, often pass without you hearing from them. You send them Facebook messages and notice they’ve been online, but there’s still no reply.

 

If you prioritize good communication in relationships, their inability to get back to you in a timely manner is a pretty good indicator that they’re not a good match.

When you recognize the ways someone you love doesn’t quite meet your needs, you might have an easier time getting over your feelings.

 

Make Peace With The Brutal Truth

 

And what is this brutal truth? This person doesn’t need or love you.

 

Perhaps you’re intensely pained and don't want to let go. You even wonder why they stopped loving you or don't even love you in the first place.

 

You keep hoping and believing that they will grow to love you someday in the future.

 

But that’s wrong. Because loving someone who doesn't love you back sucks besides, "someday" is in the future and you're in the present.

 

What's the point of subjecting yourself to pain in hope that things will be better in the future that you have no control over? What if it never does?

 

The best thing to do is to make peace with the truth no matter how unbearable it might be.

 

Accept the fact that you love someone who doesn't love you in return because it's the only way to take a leap of the situation and embrace the future you deserve.

 

Admit To Your Feelings

Do you think it's easy to forget someone you love by just pretending that you've gotten over them?

 

After all, you truly love and cherish this person, you're even planning your future together, probably this person made you believe that love exists.

 

If so, then you're wrong.....

Your feelings won't disappear automatically simply because you're running from them.

 

So you should acknowledge the way you truly feel or the way your lost lover felt about you instead of trying to suppress them.

 

"Once you express your feelings to yourself, you’ll know exactly what you have to deal with. Is this something temporary or your unrequited love for this person is deeper than that?"

 

Brutally admitting to your feelings makes it easier to get over them. You'll even know the depth of your unrequited love for this person.

 

Give Your Wounds Time To Recuperate

Every wound and injury require time to heal and emotional wounds are no different.

 

Giving yourself time to heal is one of the best ways to overcome emotional pains.

 

You need to give yourself enough time to grieve and your healing will happen over time. Come on, don't hold on to your emotions, if you feel like crying or screaming, don't hold back just do it.

 

I'm not saying you should cling to this behavior and make it your habit. All you have to do is let your pains, frustration, and disappointments out of your head once and for all. And with time, you will be fine.

 

Never Blame Yourself.

Don't try to take it personally or blame yourself.

 

Why?

Because it's not your fault.

 

Honestly speaking:

There's a whole lot of reasons why you were rejected or dumped by your or ex. This ranges from your crush's pre-dating-history, your crush might be in a serious relationship, your ex no longer loves you or your ex has fallen for someone else... And they don't have to do with you or your personality.

 

And so, don't blame yourself over a failed relationship (as you might be doing).

 

Blaming yourself leads you into self-doubt and lack of confidence. Which introduces into your mind, crazy thoughts like:

"She rejected me 'cause I ain't cool and handsome; He broke up with me 'cause that girl is way hotter, sexier, and more beautiful than me..." That's simply delusional!

 

And the worst part?

 

Lack of confidence makes you unable to move on with your life, ask another girl out, or build a better relationship with some other guy.

 

Your biggest option is to, boost your confidence in this sense.

 

And the best way to do that?

 

Is to quit taking your failed relationship too personal or blaming yourself.

 

Share Your Feelings With Someone

When it comes to dealing with unrequited love, there's one commandment you should never break:

"Thou shalt not keep thy feelings to thy self."

 

This may sound a bit awful, but a lot of people do it all the time. How?

 

They shut themselves off from others, refusing to share their frustration and grief with friends and family.

 

Big no-no. If you want to get your heart free from any kind of pain, you should consider talking about your true feelings with a friend or family member.

 

Why?

Because according to an old saying:

"A problem shared is a problem halved."

 

Talking about a problem with someone else usually makes it seem less daunting or troubling.

 

The truth is:

It's really helpful to talk about your frustration and grief with family and friends 'cause it reduces the effect of the heartache on you.

 

Furthermore:

It’s usually enough to realize that someone is listening to you.

 

To that end:

You should share your pains, grief, and frustration with your friend or family member.

 

 

Fall In Love With Yourself And Look After Yourself

 

If you fall into self-neglect and subject yourself to harsh treatments simply because someone stopped loving you or doesn't even love you back. How shameful will that be?

 

If your unrequited lover finds out that you are ruined or devastated because they chose not to love you anymore what do you think will be their thoughts about you?

 

Do you think they'll feel sorry for you and come back to you? Of course, they won't and you know it.

 

Instead, they might even be happy that you're addicted to them and can't survive without them. Or worse, they may even make jest of you calling you weak and desperate.

 

I'm sure you don't want to be an object of pity. Do you?

 

What should you do then?

 

Fall in love with yourself, make yourself happy, take care of yourself, don't resort to smoking and excessive drinking, remember that you had your life before falling in love with that person.

 

Come on. There's only one you and you've got only one life why mope over someone that doesn't love you? 

 

Cheer up, refill your spirit with happiness, go shopping, get new clothes, change your looks and lead a happier life.

 

If you can't love yourself how can you expect another person to love you?

 

Try Some Exercise

One of the most effective ways to get over unrequited love is to restore and reclaim your emotional balance. And one of the best ways to do that? Is by going for some physical exercises.

 

Hit the gym, go for fitness classes, go for jogging sessions, try swimming or any exercise you can do.

 

Exercises are one of the greatest ways to eliminate negative emotions. And when you're filled with positivity, you won't have time for depression or sadness associated with unrequited love.

 

So just have fun and make yourself happy.

 

Think Of The Positive Aspects

So you're in love with someone that doesn't love you back and feel as if your world has come to an end?

Don't you think you're being delusional?

 

Maybe they used to love you and all of a sudden, they stopped loving you, maybe you feel like you're not loved enough, or you aren't even loved in the first place. Whatever your case may be, I just want you to know that it's not as bad you think it is.

 

If only you can look into the positive aspects of the situation with an open mind, you'll realize that it's a blessing in disguise.

 

"Think of this is as a test of your strength and as something which will shape you into becoming the best possible version of yourself." 

 

I'm sure there's a huge life lesson or lessons to learn from such experience. Something like: learning not to waste your time loving someone who doesn't deserve your affection and a lot more.

 

 

Take Some Time Before Jumping Into Another Relationship

If you think you'll get over your heartbreak by jumping into another relationship, you're mistaken.

 

You'll only be making that person a rebound to you and that's a very dangerous decision.

 

Because you'll be delaying the process of getting over your ex as you'll be pretending to be fine. But how sure are you that it won't end up in tears sooner rather than later?

 

You'll be hindering yourself from finding a better relationship that you always hope for because your rebound will give you a sense of security and hence, stop you from attending social events where you can meet a potential date.

 

And the worst part?

 

You might be hurting that person who might innocently think that you love him or her. Yeah, nobody wants to be treated as a rebound.

 

Instead, give yourself time to heal and bring back the smile on your face before thinking of another relationship.

Or simply put, until you've moved on and completely gotten over a disappointing relationship, do not attempt jumping into another one.

 

If you are unable to put these ideas into action for yourself perhaps consider reaching out for som support and guidance from a professional mental health therapist either with setting some boundaries in your current relationship or to help you figure out what is going on or to help you decide what you want to do about this situation.

 

There is hope and there is help!  I wish you much luck.

 

Kind Regards,

Gaynor 

 

 

 

(MA, LCSW)