How Attachment Theory Affects Adults

What is attachment theory?

Before we address how attachment can affect adults, it is important to understand how healthy or unhealthy attachments form early in life. When a child can form healthy attachments, the parental figures in their life respond to their needs in a consistent, safe, and predictable way. When a child forms an unhealthy attachment, they cannot trust that their parental figure will respond in a safe, consistent, and predictable way. Often these adults describe growing up in a home where one day a parent may respond lovingly or kindly regarding a child’s behavior, and the next time the parent is angry, resentful, or even aggressive. Some parents are withholding love or affection and maybe what is called invalidating. When a child grows up in an invalidating home, they never really learn to trust their own thoughts and feelings and are unsure of how to respond.

How attachment affects adults

When an adult can form a healthy attachment, they can see that they are separate from their parents, they can have their own thoughts, feelings, and choices separate from their parents, and they learn to trust that that person will be there for them, regardless of the situation. Their parents serve as a secure base where the child orbits farther and farther away as they grow older and gain more independence. Ultimately a person’s secure base shifts from their parents and siblings to their own partners and families when they become their child’s secure base.

When an adult has an insecure or unhealthy attachment, they struggle with finding that secure base. Instead of orbiting a relationship that makes them feel safe, secure, and settled, often these adults feel like they are floating or even free-falling and cannot find their footing. These adults may struggle with a push and pull relationship, one in which they desperately want to be together. Still, then when they get close to someone, they do not quite understand how to cope with that closeness and may intentionally sabotage the relationship in some way to end it prematurely.

Some adults with an unhealthy attachment style may struggle with significant confidence, self-respect, and self-worth issues. When the adult in their life who “told them how to feel” is no longer present, they often struggle with really recognizing, acknowledging, and understanding their feelings. As a result, they may seek out a relationship that is a bit more controlling since that person replaces that parent in their mind in many ways.

The good news is that attachments can be re-built and re-wired in adulthood; there is no deadline for forming a healthy attachment. This work often starts with tapping into the person’s thoughts and feelings and learning how to trust their gut and differentiate from their parents. This differentiation process is so important because it allows the adult to see that it is not just okay but a wonderful thing to have their own unique thoughts, feelings, and ideas about their life.