How can I build healthy relationships?

Hello Sammi,

Thank you for your question. Your concerns are valid. Building relationships can be difficult. Maintaining established relationships can also be challenging. It sounds like anxiety and self-doubt may be contributing to your struggles. 

In order to break the cycle, you will want to increase your awareness. Increasing self-esteem and confidence will also help. When you can get validation from within yourself, you will not need to seek it from external sources.

You like to do things for others, but how are you treating yourself? You will want to put yourself in this same category. Your needs are important as well. It may be easier to please others because you do not have to dig deep to do it. Ask yourself the following questions and see if you can dig deeper into your thoughts and feelings: 

1) What is your most recurring feeling?

2) What is the root of your most recurrent feeling?

3) How do you want to feel on a daily basis?

4) What bothers you?

5) What do you see in others or their lives that you want for yourself?

Answering these questions will help you gain insight. Knowing and understanding why you think and feel the way you do, will help you make the changes you desire. As humans, we are logical beings. We like to understand things and problem-solve to make them better. 

Getting involved with the wrong people may be a way of self-sabotaging. You probably saw red flags early on, but may have ignored them. If these people are not right for you, it's easy to get involved with them because deep down, maybe even subconsciously, you know it won't last in the long run and you won't have to maintain the connection. You must understand why you are avoiding the deeper connections. What makes it hard to maintain a long term friendship or relationship? Is it because you feel unworthy of this type of relationship? 

Are there things from your past holding you back? You may want to look at your relationship patterns and see where they began. How have you been hurt? Is it easier to keep people at arm's length? Is is better to stay on the surface level, so that you don't get hurt again? Understanding where your patterns emerged may be the key to making changes in the future.

The fact that you are here and have asked this question, means you want things to be different. Setting an intention to make these changes will break the cycle. Setting an intention means to take a moment and reflect on what you value. Consider all the things that you cherish. Some examples of values are authenticity, courage, friendship, and mindfulness. Reflecting on your values and what matters to you, will help you see things more clearly.

How to set intentions:

1) State your intention. When you decide what you want vocalize it or write it down. 

2) Be clear. Your intention needs to be concise and specific to the change you want to make.

3) Make sure your intention is positive. It's important for your intention to be phrased with "I will.." vs "I won't..." Some examples of positive intentions are: "Today, I will be present." "Today, I will eat healthy things." "Today, I will be patient with others." "Today, I will make conscious choices." "Today, I will reach out to an old friend." 

4) Keep your intention simple. Your intention should be feasible.  

5) Shift any limiting beliefs. Any doubt you have will be a blocker. Get rid of any doubt or fear that you won't achieve your intention. You must believe in your ability to make changes. Believing is a shift in your mindset. Let go of old thoughts patterns, such as, "I'm not a worthy friend." Change this thought to, "I am a worthy friend." "I am working on my relationship patterns." "I'm forming meaningful relationships." 

Working with a therapist, may help you address your anxiety and self-esteem issues. Cognitive behavior therapy is a therapy model designed to specifically target negative thoughts and self-talk. Cognitive behavior therapy uses a formula to help you identify and change the thoughts.

For example: Thoughts trigger feelings which influence behavior. 

Thought: "I'm not a worthy friend." 

(This negative statements leads to negative feelings.)

Feelings: Sad, lonely, defeated, scared, insecure, anxious

(These negative feelings lead to negative behaviors.) 

Behavior: Isolating self; avoiding interactions with friends; declining invitations to socialize with new acquaintances; keep current friendships on the surface level; not putting yourself out there to engage others; talking yourself out of new opportunities; keeping a closed mindset; continuing the negative self-talk.

Behaviors can be hard to change. Therefore, it's easier to start with the thoughts that triggered them. This can help shift your mindset, change your feelings, and influence new behaviors. 

New thoughts: "I am a worthy friend." "I offer insight and validation to others." "I have valuable information to say." "I'm warm and open." "I'm working on making deeper connections with my loved ones." 

New feelings: Calm, confident, loved, worthy, valued, proud

New behaviors: Accepting invitations; trying new things; reaching out to others; engaging friends in conversations; setting intentions for growth; keeping an open mind; using positive self-talk; asking for help; being open to others; making healthy choices; prioritizing self-care.

Self-care is important to increase your value. Taking care of yourself sends a message to the brain that you are worthy and important. Some examples of good self-care are: 

Eating healthy

Getting physical activity

Going outside, enjoying fresh air, observing nature

Dealing with feelings as they come up

Engaging in hobbies, likes, and interests

Spending time with friends and loved ones

Practicing mindfulness

Meditating