How can I change my old ways?

Hi there! 

Toxic relationships often bring out the worst qualities in us. It's important to think about your relationship patterns. How often have you been in toxic relationships? When did you recognize that this current relationship was toxic? At our core, we value human interactions and companionship. Think about how you viewed yourself prior to the relationship. Were you in a good place before dating or were you feeling low? Depending on how we feel about ourselves, can impact our choices in dating. There are also situations where the relationship starts off wonderful and somehow things go downhill. When you reflect on the relationship, you should question when things changed and what factors or stressors contributed to the change.

Relationships require love, communication, honesty, self-confidence, among many other qualities. We learn these qualities by the examples that have been provided to us throughout life. How we attach to others throughout our upbringing, impacts how we attach to others both romantically and within friendships. Typically, there are three to four attachment styles: Anxious, Avoidant (dismissive or fearful) and Secure.

An anxious attachment involves a level of nervousness, inability to communicate clearly or directly and some acting out behaviors (doing things to make your partner jealous). In a relationship like this, there are several insecurities and you might constantly feel worried that things will end or that you are not enough as a partner.  

A secure attachment entails clear communication, trust/vulnerability, cooperation/teamwork. You recognize that the relationship is give and take. It doesn't mean that there won't be disagreements, but in a secure relationship, you feel safe to discuss moments of upset and how to resolve conflict. 

An avoidant attachment can either be dismissive (ex: minimizes the relationship, extremely self-reliant and only shows vulnerability in moments of crisis) or fearful (ex: fearful of rejection, low self-esteem and high anxiety in relationships). While you crave love from others, you have a hard time being vulnerable and allowing yourself to open up. 

Once you have the opportunity to reflect on your attachment style, you can begin to think about the impact it has had on your relationships and who you choose as a partner. When you recognize that a relationship has led to feelings or behaviors that you are not proud of, we have to think about what it would take to get you to a place where you feel good about who you are and confident about the type of love you want to receive. That might mean making some tough decisions, but it sounds like you are ready to put yourself first.