How can I consciously better relate to people?

Hello,

I appreciate you reaching out here with your question and I'm hoping to give a little insight on where to explore around this issue. First, I appreciated the self-validation of understanding your role working in a man-driven industry can cause friction or issues if you're willing to speak up about what you feel or think. Also, saying that when you're with your friends, who you trust and they trust you, that is not the issue, so that's helpful. I can also understand why you feel out of place and alone here.

I think I often rely on this acronym to help with relationships when I'm trying to maintain, gain or improve any relationships and I'll give some examples around this.

The acronym is GIVE

be (Gentle)

be (Interested)

Validate

Easy Manner

Also, you're likely doing this in most cases and I go back to this and make it intentional when I'm trying to improve my social circle or get along with those that may be difficult or hard to connect with.

being gentle is focused on being nice, not attacking, judging or sneering. It's straight forward and can be something to notice if others perceive you visually in a certain way.

Next is being interested which focuses on hearing the other persons view, not interrupting or talking over the person. This often injects life in a relationship

Validation is the core of this skill and often times this is where I focus the most and it's being intentional on understanding the other person's feelings and thoughts about a situation through words and actions. My big focus is hearing what they say, then speaking vs. having something already to say before they even finish. I like to do an exercise. How this works is you'd ask them something like how's the weather, which is neutral, non emotional topic and see how they respond and then I'll up it a little and see if they respond with me or don't. An example might be I give an opinion on a topic that may not carry popular beliefs of others with the notion to see if they hear and understand me or engage my comment. If they do, great. If they don't, you keep trying over time and may go to a lower level of conversation. The lowest level of conversation is non emotional, neutral conversation (weather, etc.). A step up would be bonding over common things people like to do- like I really enjoy watching sports, etc. A further step would be giving a belief or opinion then an unpopular opinion all the way to being fully genuine with someone. All this ebbs and flows and can be important to keep trying to increase the connection.

Easy manner- this last piece is focused on using humor, smile, easing the person along in a conversation, leaving your attitude at the door essentially. This shifts from the focus of the relationship is more important vs. the objective of the situation. 

The GIVE skill focuses on the idea of, "how do I want that person to feel about me when they leave the room?" vs. "what do I need in the moment" or "how do I want to feel about myself with how I handled the situation." Those are all important distinctions when trying to better relate to people.

One last idea I have is noticing open and closed groups of people. Some people are in groups and may be closed off and others may be open for conversations- it can depend when trying to relate and connect with others.

I hope this helps give you a start!

Mitchell Daas, MA, LPCC