How can I help my spouse move forward without getting a divorce?

Hello Ikm,

It is nice to meet you. Thank you for taking the time to send in your question. This must be such a difficult situation to be going through. If you and I were working together in therapy, I would want to know more about what happened with the other person who you were texting. I would also want to explore more about your marriage and how you and your spouse get along. If this was recently learned about by your spouse, they may very well be in shock right now. 

You're doing the right thing by being open and honest with them, but their pain and hurt is still there. But, unfortunately, being open and honest now may not be enough. There is no way to make someone do something that they do not want to do. You can suggest couples counseling, but they may not be interested in doing this.

I would encourage you to be honest with them and let them know how you are feeling. Additionally, they may want to know more about what happened and ask you questions, or ask you for details about the messages that were sent. I would encourage you to be open and honest, be transparent. 

It may be that they need more time to process what has happened. Trying to force or push for things to just go back to normal is not going to be productive. Let them feel whatever they are feeling. There is no way to help someone move forward, they must do this on their own. They were hurt and feel betrayed. Even if you two are separated right now, you might ask if they would consider speaking to a marriage counselor for a few sessions to talk through all that happened. 

The other part of this may be that they are not able to continue on in the marriage. As devastating as that would be for you, they do have the choice to leave the marriage. If that were to happen, I encourage you to speak with a therapist to help you process through this. 

I hope that you have found this information helpful and I wish you all the best moving forward on your journey.