How can I improve my 'nervous system capacity'?

Hi S! 

Thank you for reaching out for help! This is a great question! As humans, we have two parts to our brains; the emotional side and then logical side. In high stress, or high excitement situations it is normal for the emotional side to take over. This limits our thinking and makes it challenging to respond in ways that are helpful. This is normal and the good news is, it is something that can be improved through something called neuroplasticity. 

Nueroplasticity tells us that our brains and the way we think can be changed, no matter how old we are. We have to want this change and work towards it. Our brains aren't just going to re-wire themselves! 

When we use the emotional and logical sides of our brains together, this is called the "wise mind". The wise mind is what you want to be using when you are in an argument. It takes practice but it is possible to use this way of thinking more frequently! With practice, it will become second nature. It takes some awareness of your thoughts. You did well in identifying your triggers in your question. Be aware of your initial split second reaction to these, then ask yourself, how do I want to respond? Maybe you already started reacting in an emotional way and you suddenly remember, oh no! I wanted to respond with my wise mind. That's okay. It's never too late to pull that emotional response back a little and refocus. 

There is nothing wrong with needing a little space when you are arguing. Have you told your boyfriend that this is what you need? Open and honest communication is so important and it is okay to say, I need a minute but we will talk about this later. Then take a break and come back when you are feeling a little more level headed. Have a discussion about this technique when things are calm between you both so that he knows what to expect from you and so you understand any concerns he might have with this. You can work through those together! 

I wish you the best! 

-Melissa