How can I make myself not dwell on the past?

Hi Heidi,

It's always a bit challenging to answer questions such as this as I of course know very little about your relationship with him and what actually transpired when he cheated and what has happened since then. As a result, my response may seem very general, but I urge you to discuss what has happened, is happening, and how you are coping with it all in therapy.

Anyway, what sticks out most to me about your question is that you seem to be blaming yourself for not being able to forgive what happened. The anger is directed toward yourself. Assuming your partner has been faithful for the past couple years, it may seem unfair to you to still be upset with his past behavior. However, being upset at yourself for being upset, when his behaviors were what caused the disruption and pain and insecurity in the relationship, may suggest that you're being overly harsh in how you view your own reactions to the situation and perhaps also undeservingly "forgiving" in how you view his behavior. You seem angry with yourself. 

Another point to consider, and this would be something worth exploring that may be quite uncomfortable but that honestly also may not apply here at all, is whether your partner is contributing to your self-blame. Is your partner sending signals that your lack of trust for him is your fault and that you are being an inadequate partner by failing to simply trust that these were isolated events. Again, I'm not saying by any means that I know that this is happening, but it is something to take a look at.

Regardless, the simple answer to your question is this: Addressing the issue requires both of you to participate in addressing it. Perhaps individual therapy could be helpful, and personally I would recommend starting with that, but at some point there is likely to be a need to incorporate your partner and participate in couples' therapy. Your partners' openness to this, by the way, can say a lot about his willingness to take responsibility not just for his past behavior, but also for how his behavior continues to impact you today.

If you have any additional questions or would like to participate in therapy, just let me know and I'd be happy to work with you.

Take care,

Nick DeFazio