How can I manage my expectations of my husband?

Hello Wren,

It is very nice to meet you. Thank you for taking the time to send in your question. It sounds like you are struggling with not feeling that your husband is putting effort into the marriage or household. Your concerns are real and valid. Of course it is frustrating for you, as you likely feel that you are the one who is running the house, parenting your son, and caring for your dogs. You probably sometimes feel like your husband is another child in your care. 

If you and I were working together in therapy, I would want to know more about the marriage and what first attracted you to your husband. I would also encourage you to consider marital counseling. If the way he is acting is not acceptable to you, it is important that you let him know. Feelings are not right or wrong, they are feelings. Whether or not he agrees with you, you have every right to feel the way that you do. If things do not change, you are likely to continue to feel this way and most likely develop even more irritation and resentment. That is no way for you to live. It sounds like he does not know how to be a husband, or a father. 

Lowering your expectations of him might help with the disappointment. But, should you have to lower your expectations? Your expectations are not too high, from what you've written to me. What does your husband bring into the marriage? You want and need a partner who contributes equally, that is a very fair and reasonable expectation. 

Is it acceptable to you if things were to continue to be the same with him? If not, you need to talk to him and clearly state what your expectations are for the marriage. If the current situation is not acceptable to you, it is important that you communicate this with him. Keep in mind, the solution may or may not be something that you are ready to deal with at this time.

I hope that you have this information to be helpful and I wish you all the best on your journey.