How can I show my ex girlfriend that I'm capable of changing my behaviour?

Dear L,

I’m so glad you have come to Better Help for some support. I do not know much about your situation and your romantic partnership, but I believe that discussing some of the relationship stressors with your therapist will be valuable. In addition, I *strongly* recommend the book by John Gottman, & Principles for Making Marriage Work (in fact, I recommend buying two paperback copies -- one for each of you. It’s easy to read plus it has lots of activities that will be easier on a physical book rather than kindle or audio). While you are still being matched with a therapist, here are a few things to consider as you cope with an unsatisfying relationship and try to make decisions for the future:

1. IMPROVE YOUR CURRENT QUALITY OF LIFE. Sometimes we long for a change because we are generally unhappy with our life. I am wondering how much social contact you have with new friends as well as old friends and family from home. If you are lonely, then it is especially important to find ways to get social support (in addition to the social support you get from your partner). Please consider whether you can join a church, social groups, or if there are opportunities to meet people related to your hobbies or work. Please also consider what connections with your past may be healthier for you. Do you have old friends that you could meet up with more regularly? Please also consider what else you can do in your current situation to improve you quality of life (perhaps a different job, better sleep, better nutrition). In summary, if you are happier where you are, you will reminisce less about where you were and enjoy more about your partnership.

2. REMEMBER WHY YOU FELL IN LOVE. Ask a close friend or family member to help you remember the reasons you initially fell in love. What were those reasons? What were the specials factors that made your partnership work? Write them down or send it to yourself in an email so you can look at them often.

3. MAINTAIN BOUNDARIES WITH EXES AND PAST RELATIONSHIPS. Healing from a break-up takes time (even if you initiated the break-up) because you are losing more than just a romantic partner. You lose a friend, a confidant, and the life you had planned together. The longer we are in partnerships, the more of these plans we start thinking of and cutting them off can feel physically painful. Different people take different amounts of time to heal. However, every time you meet up with your ex (especially if you hook up and have sex or even just emotionally intimate conversation), the clock starts over. You are re-opening that wound before it’s fully healed. If you are still speaking with your ex, I strongly recommend stopping any texting or phone calls. These actions just re-open the wound. Further, please stop following them on social media and hold back from Googling them. Keep in mind – everything looks better online than in person. We only post our most attractive pictures, we only post our most exciting vacations, and we only post our wittiest conversations. What you see there is not reality and it will only make you feel worse. Additionally, using dating sites or dating apps and seeking validation from new potential partners might make you feel better in the moment, but it erodes trust in your current relationship. Think about how much commitment you expect from your partner, and ask yourself how you can give the same amount to them. Consider building your self worth from inside, rather than seeking validation from others. You can start by writing down three things that you like about yourself each day, or congratulate yourself for something that you've completed or accomplished each day. By improving how you feel about yourself, you may find that you no longer cave validation from external sources, including people outside of your relationship.

4. CONSIDER COUPLES COUNSELING. BetterHelp has a partner site, Regain, which offers couples counseling to help strengthen the bond with your partner and to see if there are things you can work together to improve. The focus does not need to be on your interactions with others, but instead on how to improve your current quality of life (back to #1 above).

5. TRY TO IDENTIFY THE TRIGGERS. We are creatures of habit, and we tend to be stressed or saddened by predicable things. It is important to start learning about the common themes of what makes you feel this sense of longing for a separation. Is it when your partner does something annoying? When you feel like you are not good enough? When you are bored or lonely? When you are sexually aroused? Everyone is different. The best way to do this is to start keeping a log of the times you experienced these feelings. Jot down in a journal or in an app like Google Keep these times, including:

-- Where was I when this happened?

-- What was I doing?

-- How was I feeling?

Over time, you will see themes that can help you attack the triggers. Additionally, it may be important to consider how much personal space you are getting in the relationship. Maybe spending a few hours apart each week will allow you the chance to miss each other, and you might find that alone time offers you new appreciation for your relationship. This time should not be spent with other potential partners or romantic interests, but alone or with supportive family and friends.

6. CONSIDER WHAT YOU TRULY WANT. All of my suggestions above focused on helping you maintain your relationship. However, it is possible that this is not the right partnership for you. Consider listing what you would like to have in a partnership (whether it is with your partner or someone else). Making a realistic wish list can help you identify your priorities. And please keep in mind that you are valuable and WORTH meeting these priorities. Ask yourself questions like:

- How should my partner and I solve problems when we disagree about little things (for example, the best way to wash dishes)? How should we solve problems when we disagree about big things (for example, how we want to spend money)?

- What kind of activities do I want to be able to do with my partner?

- How should my partner and I talk about what we want in sex?

- What kind of sense of humor is important to me? What kinds of things make me laugh, and is it important that my partner shares this?

- How much are looks important to me?

- What kind of dates do I expect? What do I like to do when getting to know someone or spending time with someone I care about?

- How fast should my partner get back to me when I text or call? Do we always need to pick up the phone, or is it okay to have the call go voicemail if I’m busy?

- Should my partner and I to do fun things apart or only together? Is it okay if we do fun things with out friends without the other partner?

- How important is it that my partner get along with my friends?

- How important is it that my partner get along with my family?

- What are my limits? Are there any things that I absolutely will not allow from a partner (like physical violence, certain kinds of substance use)?

After making your list, consider how it felt. Do you feel you deserve to have these needs met? (I think you do deserve to have a good partnership that meets your needs). Are the needs realistic? Which ones are the highest priority? Of these high priority items, which ones do your current partner meet?

I see good things in your future. You have already taken a huge first step and I’m confident that you and your therapist here on Better Help will be able to figure out better patterns for you.

Best wishes to you for a beautiful spring,

Julie