How can i stop my emotions or false emotions from controlling actions?

Oftentimes when we feel overwhelmed, anxious, or stuck in a conflict we personalize and mishear criticism directed toward us. Grounding can be a great coping skill to help with this. Grounding occurs when we physically and mentally bring ourselves to the present moment. This can be done by making a fist squeezing as tight as we can and focusing on the sensation we feel. Another way is digging our heels into the ground once again focusing tension being pushed into the ground. Upon release, focus on the sensation of relaxation. This allows us to bring ourselves back to the present moment and not react due to our past experiences.

To cope in a discussion, argument, or when constructive criticism is being given, reflective listening becomes key. By repeating what we heard the person say followed by clarifying questions we can gain insight into what he or she is saying instead of interpreting it based on our perceptions or previous experiences. Also responding, "I will take that into consideration", allows us to not become defensive then take a look at the information presented at another time when our minds are clearer. Another option is to ask for a time out when you feel yourself getting defensive. This allows space as well as time for you to relook over the information presented and be able to do it in a non-defensive moment. While getting space try breathing techniques, do a distraction, or just take a brief walk to clear your mind. One important part of this is to set a return time to come back to the discussion. This allows closure for all involved as well as knowing what is expected of the other person. 

When we have experienced relational trauma it can be hard to not carry those same struggles into our new relationships. Sometimes it helps to identify the past beliefs that were developed due to the relational trauma and start to address them in therapy as well as share them with those closest to us. Sharing it with those closest can assist with developing a plan or adjust ways of approaching certain topics so that all involved feel safe.