Ask a therapist > Relationships > How can you get over an ex in your life that you still love so much but need to let go of?

How can you get over an ex in your life that you still love so much but need to let go of?

I was in a relationship for a year and a half have know eachother for 3 years, I loved our life together but he has a whole other life and woman that had another child, I’ve forgiven him and we’ve tried to mend our relationship on and off and now I feel like I’m chasing him to fix and mend our relationship.
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Asked by AJ
Relationships
Rejection
Answered
10/31/2022

Hello AJ,

Thank you for taking the time to reach out. You ask a wonderful question. It is understandable that you feel sad and hurt by the breakup. You really loved him. Some things I would encourage you to focus on if we were working together in therapy would be grieving and letting go of what was. From what you describe, it sounds like you are now the one pushing for the relationship and chasing him? One important thing to remember is that each one of us only has control over one thing - ourselves. We do not and cannot control anyone or anything else. 

I would want to explore more with you about how you first learned that he had another life that you were not aware of. That must have been incredibly painful to find this out. How did you react when you found out?

You say that you loved your life together. Are you referring to the life prior to finding out about the woman? As much as you loved the life before, you are now aware of something that you can not forget about. I would encourage you to think about what you are currently getting out of this relationship with him right now. 

Your question about ways to get over someone and know that you need to let them go. I know that this is a very difficult thing to go through, but remind yourself of the reasons it is better for you to not be with him. He betrayed you in a deep way and this would make it difficult to ever completely trust him again in the future. Tell yourself that you deserve better, you deserve honesty and respect from the person that you love. 

Keep busy and active in the world. Seek out hobbies/interests that you enjoy and that make you feel good. Surround yourself with your support system - friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, etc. Know your worth and your value.

Working with a therapist would also be something to consider to help you get through this right now. I hope that you have found this information helpful and I wish you all the best moving forward on this journey. 

(MA, LPC)