How can you prevent your abandonment issues from interfering with your love life?

Hello,

I appreciate you reaching out about the question here and I'll try to provide a few ideas and tips that can help manage the though of him changing or leaving you. First, I do like to validate or understand that if you have thoughts like that, it makes sense you'd feel panicked. I would feel the same way. It sounds like you're invested and that's a good thing here! I know it can be hard to manage being vulnerable and putting your heart into a relationship with the idea that it could end as well. Love, in general, is the willingness to be vulnerable with someone or something or placing ourselves out there and allowing our hearts to be wild. When we experience love and it makes sense, it's because loving is enhancing your wellbeing and helps you move towards your goals in life. I like to keep that in mind when loving someone as the benefits outweigh the consequences currently. Often fear will say we need to run away or shut down and this can be effective if the relationship is not doing that for a period of time and can keep ourselves safe. In this case, it's not effective to act on and I'll provide a few tips outside of this explanation to help alleviate abandonment issues.

First step is to just notice, "thoughts are thoughts." I like to keep this in mind as our thoughts are not fact and often can feel like it when the emotions are high. An example of this can be me having a thought that I'm going to win the lottery. If that thought is strong enough, I may go out and buy a lottery ticket, etc. It's like I'm just looking at that worldview verses taking in the facts of the situation / asking what feels wise for me to do in the moment vs. what my emotion or thought wants to do.

To do this. I'll say out loud, "I'm having a thought that... he's going to leave me or change where we separate.

The importance is saying I have a thought.

The next piece is this mindfulness practice...

I feel x and I think y. It'll be very helpful to practice this over and over. It adds a lot of emotion flexibility, especially around abandonment. An example is noticing I feel happy around him and I think of how wonderful we are together or I feel anxious and I think he's going to leave me.

I hope this gives two ways to start to alleviate the symptoms of panic and anxiety here.

Best Regards,

Mitchell Daas, MA, LPCC