How do I become a better, more self-reliant and more secure person?

I recently went through a breakup, where I believe I was at fault for it and I'm not sure how to cope with it. I feel like I'm a terrible person, and I think of all the scenarios where I could have been better, such as past family disputes, friendships falling out etc. I don't know how to cope with it. I recently also lost some really close friendships which contribute to me feeling like the problem. The person who broke up with me says we should take space and if it's meant to be it'll happen, but in the meantime I feel rejected and as if they are moving on, especially since we are long distance.
Asked by mahomy
Answered
11/01/2022

Thank you for reaching out. Breakups are not easy and can be very daunting. It doesn't matter how long the relationship was or how involved you were. Breaking up with a partner or a friend is losing someone. 

Sounds like you are in a very difficult, quite conflicting position emotionally. On one hand, there is a lot of blame that you put on yourself for your relationship and some friendships ending and on the other hand, I hear a lot of hurt. Rejection is a very deep emotion and to avoid feeling it (to protect ourselves from being hurt) we sometimes act in certain ways that may push people away instead. 

We learn those ways or you can also call them unhealthy coping mechanisms in our childhood and our subconscious is also programmed by our parents or carers and the environment around us. 

The Subconscious is like a prism through which we view the world and every human will have a unique subconscious. Sounds like there may be some events that have been imprinted in your subconscious that make you fear rejection. 

We then view the world through all that we have learned and react to it in ways that were maybe useful in the past but are not useful anymore. Those unhealthy coping mechanisms are no longer protecting us and helping with survival, but they put us in unhealthy cycles. 

To summarize, you are not the problem, maybe some things that happened to you are causing you to do things that then make you feel like you are the problem which can really affect your self-confidence. I believe that the best way to figure out how to cope with your feelings is to talk to the therapist and open up about your past and make connections with the present to have a better understanding of your patterns, your coping mechanisms that are not helpful, your past and present ability to communicate your feelings, and your emotional connection to events that are affecting you now. 

I hope this fully answers your question and gives you some food for thought. 

Warmest Regards 

Maya

(Level, 4, Diploma, in, Therapeutic, Counselling)