How do I cope with deteriorating friendships?

Hello,

First, it sounds painful when you notice there is a lack of give and take in your friendships. It sounds like it creates a lot of hurt, pain, loneliness and resentment- I'm just assuming and correct me if I'm off on this. I'll give you a few ways to cope with all of this with a few set ways and clarification on some ideas.

The first area I would focus on is what is forgiveness and what is not. I think forgiveness is often no longer holding onto the "poison" we may be drinking. It sounds like you're at a boundary breaking point with your friends over feeling betrayed for being there for them and that not being reciprocated- it's incredibly painful. I think often we have to understand that forgiveness doesn't mean they get to walk all over us. Forgiveness is seeing what they've done and see that as the truth and deciding how you want to participate. It's not forgetting, yet it's 'I have different boundaries with them unless things change.' It often also allows you to listen to yourself and nurture your own self and asking what you need vs. blaming or holding onto grudges, ill will, etc.- we all do that at times here. 

To do this I'm breaking down these steps which can be stepping stones for your path to forgiveness

• Identity what you possibly want to forgive (this can be a way to cope with deterioriating relationship). I would write down something like, "Tom didn't text me back when I was at my lowest of lows." Next to each thing you may be trying to forgive is you put a number 0-5. 0 means I am not willing to forgive no matter what! to a 5 means I've let it go and maybe have some strong emotions and want to decide how I participate with this transgression that has happened.
• Next would be deciding what your commitment is to forgiving? Is it to start to connect to a relationship? Reminding yourself that forgiveness doesn't equal being walked on? Etc. There are a lot of health benefits and social/mental benefits to forgiving. 
• Now outside of forgiving. I might do a script for communicating my disappointment / asking for wants/needs from them. They might not know what they don't know. I usually use a script like this when expressing or saying no to something...
  • Describe- I notice that... when I reached out for help I didn't hear a follow up
  • Express- I feel disappointed by the response
  • Assert- I  would like clarity if something was missed on my end?
  • Reinforce- I've really enjoyed our relationship and don't want to sit in disappointment because you all are important to me, etc.

The goal is to assert yourself clearly on this. It can be a very helpful tool and can be looked up online with DEAR MAN script.

I hope this helps giving two ideas a start. 

I wish you the best,

Mitchell Daas, MA, LPCC