How do I deal with a narcissistic husband during divorce?

Hi Carrie, 

Thank you for your question. There must be so many emotions that you are working through at the moment; a divorce is an incredibly stressful process to go through at the best of times, and it sounds like you have come to realize that the person you thought you were with for 13 years was not who he seemed. It will take time to work through any feelings of disbelief, confusion or self-doubt that you may currently be experiencing and it is important to be kind and patient with yourself as you process everything that you have been through and are going through. 

There may be a lot of scenarios going around in your head at the moment, moments where you feel like you should have realized that something was wrong. There may be a lot of self-blame which comes from this, where you feel like it was your own failing that you didn't pick up on his true self. After being in such a relationship and being deceived for so long, it is hard to trust your own judgement, and it is likely that you will be questioning your entire perception of the world and wondering just how he could have kept it up for so long. Your brain will be trying to make sense of the situation, and trying to find some sort of logic to make the world seem right again.

However, trying to find the logic in the situation can be futile, and it often leads to ruminating thoughts which do not go anywhere and leave you feeling unsatisfied. To begin the healing process, it is important to try and stay grounded in the present day as much as possible rather than replaying the past. For this, I would recommend mindfulness. Mindfulness is all about tuning into your physical senses and the environment around you, and it's a great way of taking a step back from your own thoughts. However, be aware that such techniques take practice and at first, you may find it very hard to quieten your thoughts. Over time and with regular practice, this improves. There are some mindfulness techniques that you can try on the following webpages:

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/21-ways-create-calm-mind-without-meditating/?fromterm=4965

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/mindfulness-in-everyday-tasks-5-ways-chores-can-make-you-happier/?fromterm=4965

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-meditation-retreat-practices-to-try-at-home-for-a-more-mindful-life/?fromterm=4965

It's all about finding what works best for you - I would recommend to give some of these a go when your thoughts become very full with thoughts of your husband. 

Setting boundaries is also vital for your healing. As much as possible, ensure that your husband is no longer a part of your life. If possible, it is important to cut contact entirely. Those with narcissistic traits or behaviors can respond with anger when they feel that they are losing control over a person or situation, and may attempt to belittle those that they are angry with. As part of working towards managing your thoughts around him, it is vital that you give him little to no opportunity to hurt you or cause you further pain. Every time he does so, it may open your emotional wounds back up - particularly at a time when it is very fresh and you are in a place of emotional vulnerability. 

After 13 years in such a relationship, it is also important for you to work towards trusting yourself and accepting yourself. This in itself can be a long process - for the first time in 13 years, you can focus entirely on you and your wants and needs. As lovely as this sounds, it can also feel incredibly overwhelming and it can be difficult to know where to begin. Ensure to check in with yourself on a regular basis - how are you feeling and why do you think you are feeling that way? When you are feeling low, what kind of things would make you feel better? Who do you want to have in your life? what kind of support do you think you need? When certain emotions come up, what's the best way of dealing with them (e.g. exercising if you're angry, listening to music if you're sad)? These are questions that only you can answer - though it may take time to find the answers, doing so will help you get back in touch with yourself and understand the best ways to take care of yourself. 

I would encourage you to seek professional support for the experience that you have been through. You may find  your emotions difficult to manage, which is where a professional can support you and guide you through your emotions at a pace which is safe and comfortable for you. 

I wish you the best as you work to heal from this, and I sincerely hope that you reach a place of acceptance and understanding with it all.