How do I deal with loneliness and ruminating?

Hi Izzy, 

Thank you for reaching out with this issue. It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and dissatisfied with life right now. I will try to provide some insight and guidance based on what you wrote, and experience with other clients who have been in a similar situation. I will also ask some questions that may help you think about your situation in a different way. 

One of the first questions I like to ask of people in a committed partnership is how you met and fell in love. Maybe for you there was not that experience of falling in love. That's all good information for a therapist who may work with you. Another question I like to ask is: when did you notice things shifting in your relationship? Sometimes the decline of the romantic relationship comes on the heels of having children. While this is normal, it doesn't have to be permanent. It's hard to organize your time and prioritize yourself and the relationship, especially in the early years. 

Sometimes we are in relationship with people we consider emotionally unavailable because we aren't speaking the same emotional language. In this case it can be really helpful to seek couples therapy. You didn't mention if this is something you have explored before. The amazing thing is that often times couples don't seek help until they are on the verge of divorce or after an affair has happened. If you and your partner are willing to try couple's therapy to improve your communication (this isn't dependent on you staying in your marriage. It's a good idea to communicate better as coparents as well), look for someone who has experience dealing with infidelity or affairs. I prefer using the Develop Model of couple's counseling, but there are many modalities that are helpful. Even if you don't choose to engage in couple's therapy, having a therapist who can work with you individually on understanding your engagement in this affair will be helpful. 

I also want to highlight the grief you may still be experiencing at the loss of your parents. My mother told me after both of her parents passed that she felt like an orphan. I can't imagine the depth of that pain. There are times when we grieve well, and times when we don't. If you felt unsupported during the last few months to few years, it is worth exploring that grief more in therapy. Often times those who are going through grief feel the need to take care of others, and by doing that they don't allow themselves the space to do their own grieving. They don't allow themselves to be taken care of. This can often time lead to feeling flat, depressed, disconnected, unalive. 

I hope that you will seek therapy--either couples, individual, or both. And I hope you have found this response helpful. Best of luck to you.