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How do I deal with relationship anxiety ?

I was blindsided by my ex fiance. It turned out to be for the best. But recently I was blindsided by my boyfriend who introduced me to his kids, said he wanted to marry me, started planning for our future, and said he loved me. I found put he was an alcoholic and smoked pot and mixed it with Prozac. He said his feelings changed and he had to end it. Literally did not expect that. I trusted my gut with him. I allowed myself to relax into the relationship and believe. Now I'm afraid to trust myself and be in another relationship. Even worse, not only did I love him but I loved his kids. At 49, I'm so sick of failed relationships.
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Asked by Jj
Relationships
Dating
Answered
09/23/2021

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Being blindsided by someone that you love and that has expressed love for you can be an emotionally draining event to go through. In your question, I wasn't sure if I was reading it correctly, but the way I read it was that something had happened with a prior relationship and now this situation is another situation that has happened. 

If you were to look back over the course of the relationship, were there any "red flags" that stood out to you as being odd or just not seeming to be right? When it comes to relationships, we learn by those relationships that we grow up with. Look at how your parents relationship was or if you had any close family friends or other family members and think about what their relationships were like. 

Something to think about as you move forward into any other relationship is to define what it actually is that you want out of a relationship. Define the terms that you want your partner to have and seek someone out with those characteristics. As you are leaving this relationship, think back over what parts of it you enjoyed and how you would  like to have those parts in the next relationship. As you think of what you want in a relationship, consider why you want to be in a relationship to begin with. Many people get into relationships, just because they don't want to be alone. Use this time for you and to reconnect with who you are as a person and think about what you have to offer to a relationship and a partner.

Lastly, you also have to allow yourself to heal from all of your relationships that you have had. If you do not allow yourself to take some time and get to know yourself again, then you could be setting yourself up for failure again by getting into a relationship too soon. When you are ready to begin seeking out a new relationship, make sure to take your time to get to know others and take the relationship at a slower pace. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Think of dating as an interview for a life partner. 

(MS, LPC)