How do I deal with several failed emotional interests?

Hello Cat and thank you for asking a question here on BetterHelp.

Sounds like your recent relationships have led you to questioning a lot about yourself. When a relationship ends that we thought was gonna go really well it can feel very demoralizing, we get our hopes built up and things feel great then it all kind of gets shut down. I have a few suggestions that I think could help but I also think it's important that we talk a little bit about therapy.

Better understanding what is happening to you and why these relationships don't work would be greatly benefited by talking to a professional. It's very easy to get connected with a therapist here on BetterHelp. I hope you will consider meeting with a therapist sometime soon.

I want to say first of all that you questioning a lot about your relationships and yourself is not necessarily a bad thing. Self reflection can often times be very good, it takes a downhill turn when we blame everything on ourselves and use it as an excuse to beat ourselves up, instead of choosing to use it as a motivator to change and become an improved person. I say this because one thing we do know about all of your relationships, you are the common denominator. This either means that you have made choices to pursue people who are not a good match for you or aren't actually interested in being a relationship, or you have had some behavior that has put people off. If you were sitting in front of me in a counseling session right now I would ask you, "What are the first two weeks of these relationships like? And how do they typically end?" We want to better understand the common themes in all of the relationships you've been in. Are all the people you've been with coming from similar dating websites or similar areas? Are you choosing a certain type of person because that's what you have inherently liked in the past, or instead are you exploring other options? If you are recognizing a very common theme in the people you are dating, then I would encourage you to explore other options. Doing this can be a very good thing for you, and I can tell you that after being married for 12 years myself, many of the things I thought I absolutely needed in a spouse actually mean nothing. Point being, don't be afraid to keep your options open because things you think are super important may not be important at all in the long run.

When it comes to being in a relationship, I always tell married couples I work with that they need three things. The first thing you need is acceptance, you need to accept your partner for who they are and not be actively trying to change them. Acceptance doesn't mean ignoring really bad behavior or letting them get away with hurting you. Instead, acceptance means turning off your inner critic and not constantly looking for faults in your partner. Accept and enjoy them for who they are.

Which leads me to my next point, gratitude. It is vital that we have gratitude for our partner in a relationship, having gratitude means having a general thankfulness and appreciation for who your partner is and the wonderful and sometimes strange qualities they are bringing to the relationship. Gratitude is the antidote to resentment and bitterness. When we have gratitude towards our partners we begin to recognize that many of the things we were holding against them or criticizing them for are completely pointless.  Having gratitude towards your partner allows you to recognize why you want to be with them.

The last thing I strongly encourage people to have in a relationship is forgiveness, nobody in your life will hurt you as much as your long-term partner, and you will never hurt anybody as much as your long-term partner. Forgiveness is an absolute must. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened in the past, it doesn't mean allowing your spouse to hurt you over and over again. Instead forgiveness means choosing to not view your partner through the lens of their mistakes. When we get frustrated with our partners it can become very easy to see them through the history of their mistakes, but you must make an active choice not to do this. When we choose not to forgive it builds resentment which inevitably leads to really nasty arguments.  

I hope you were able to find something in here that helps and I wish you the best of luck with relationships in the future!