How do I dig myself out of a hole that’s gotten deeper & deeper within the last 3 years?

Hi, and thanks for your question.

There may be a number of variables that are encompassed within what it means to be in a hole and how one arrived in the hole in the first place which, without having you here "live" to engage with on the topic, are inherently difficult to address, so I hope you'll bear that in mind as I attempt to "intuit" some potential dimensions of your question that are currently unspoken here in this particular format. That being said, you may or may not get closer to the answer you seek through this particular method...

Nevertheless, we'll try. ;-)

Quite often when someone has endured years of difficult relational patterns, it can really sap their motivation and ability to follow through with the things they would otherwise be inclined to do that might equate to their own unique concept of "success" or "being successful." To that end, it's important to not only reduce or eliminate exposure to the unhealthy behavioral patterns of engagement that may be present in our lives (so as to lessen that sense of "emotional exhaustion" or reduced motivation) but also to take active steps to facilitate your own renewal and healing (i.e., regularly and proactively engaging in self-care type activities).

Of course, in order to reduce or eliminate exposure to the unhealthy behavioral patterns of engagement with other people whose presence may not necessarily be contributing to our personal *growth* or mental health, that requires us to set up and maintain personal boundaries with those same people, and this isn't always easy to do, particularly when they're a close family member. It is absolutely necessary, however. What those boundaries look like is a very individual thing that I can't adequately address here in this format without speaking with you, so for the time being, know that boundaries are important for maintaining your own health, and that working with a therapist in "real time" is a great way to develop strong, healthy boundaries that can keep you safe (but still connected to people and relationships that *are* healthy for you while appropriately managing the relationships that may be less-than-ideal).

As for the other concerns you mentioned regarding your future and general forward momentum, it sounds like what's needed is behavioral activation. Behavioral activation is pretty much just what it sounds like, which is to gradually incorporate more activities in your daily life, which can give you a sense of accomplishment that you can build on while also developing the basis for you to begin believing in yourself and your ability to "get things done" in the world.

Another important component of finding (and living) your own unique direction in life is to figure out what your own personal values are in life, and to make a conscious effort of living those values each and every day. If you know what your values are (as differentiated from your family's values and/or society's values and/or what other people think you *should* be doing with your life) and follow them consistently over time, day in and day out, you will end up exactly where you're supposed to be, whatever that looks like for you.

Best wishes!