How do I effectively communicate my concern to my spouse without causing a fight?

Thank you for your question. I am sorry you are experiencing concerns with your communication in your relationship and hope I can help to unpick some of the themes you have covered below to make them feel less worrying. 

 

Everyone has needs they want to be met. Some of these are physical, like shelter and financial security; others are emotional. Physical needs mean we can survive, but emotional needs are required to feel you are living with purpose. For example, you cannot see love, but you can experience it and it is valuable. It sounds as if you need both physical security, in the sense you need to know where you stand with this car purchase; and you need emotional reassurance in how you feel being valid. It sounds as if your concern is that if you don't communicate this in the right way your spouse will not hear you and that will lead to a fight? Uncertainty is difficult, and it might be worth considering why you feel you will be causing a fight when your partner has not put you on the deeds to a car you have paid 70% towards.

 

Consider what the car will offer you both. Is this is something you desire as well as need? It might be your spouse has different needs to yours. But the current miscommunication is hurtful. So, it is important to consider the different aspects of both your needs as part of your joint restoration of the relationship now the car has been purchased. There might be barriers to openness in your relationship, and a professional counsellor can help explore what these might be and how they might be helped. Counsellors are trained, non-judgmental third parties that can help explore your concerns in a confidential space. You could both explore this separately or together through couples counseling.

 

In any healthy discussion, it is important both you and your partner feel heard and valued in your needs. It sounds like you both believe your needs can be met, because saying how you feel will cause conflict. But how you feel is how you feel. It sounds too like you feel like you have to say this in a way that is non-confrontational, which is hard because you don’t necessarily know what the rules are with your spouse to avoid conflict. It would be helpful for you to both have a conversation where you could identify what you need as an outcome to resolve this issue. If we assume what your spouses reaction will be, it might cause resentment in the long run. We can work with what we know- how you feel and what you need, but we cannot second guess how we will be met.

 

 

It is important we take ownership of ourselves in relationship and avoid confrontational language. Learning techniques that minimize blame whilst allowing you to communicate can also be done through therapy. An example is to structure your sentence in a way that addresses how you feel without blaming the other person. If a statement feels like an attack, the other is unlikely to listen as a negative emotion will be evoked in them. Why not try something like: "I feel ________ when you ________ because ________." Perhaps you could also connect to the emotion that is not being met. 

 

Consider how accepting you and your partner are of each other at the moment too. It can be harder to express emotions when we feel more vulnerable, whereas knowing we are accepted reassures us of our place in the relationship and of our feelings. That is not to say we rely on someone else to accept how we feel, though it might help with feeling like you can say what you need without needing what you say to be perfect, however.

 

Try to put this issue into context within your relationship too. Generally, what is it like exploring how you feel together and are you comfortable? Consider how often you do things together outside of the day-to-day running of the household: how much time you spend planning your future together, see friends and lean on each other when things are tough. Evaluating whether your worry is coming from insecurity or some other factor may help soothe your concern, or give it a clearer focus, if not. Not feeling accepted can make asking for our needs to be met, or to be heard, harder and we feel more vulnerable, as if our need is unrealistic. 

 

It is important, even when you do not agree on things, such as purchases, to respect and validate each other. Both of you want to experience feeling heard and respected, both of which are important to a healthy relationship. Not seeing things the same way leaves one, or the other, or both, of you feeling misunderstood. When misunderstanding is there, more often than not, it is easier for resentment to build up and needs go unspoken. When this happens, problems start to feel as if they are unresolvable. Try to approach your spouse and ask them to approach you with validation- reflect or paraphrase what your spouse is saying with empathy to show you are listening, for example. Within this, prioritize time to talk about things that matter, rather than saying them in passing. Just like with any important meeting, it requires scheduling so there is respect for the importance of what you are going to share, ask or say.

 

Remember to keep grounded in yourself, too. How aware of your sense of self are you? Try to reconnect with your sense of self and have gentle intentions towards yourself. This feels like a significant issue to raise and will be made harder if you do not meet yourself with empathy as part of this process.

 

It is also important to consider how secure you both feel in the relationship. Trust is an aspect of this, as is respecting boundaries and feeling safe around each other. Any threat to the relationship or each other will impact how secure either of you feel, which will impact how easy it is to express needs and reduce your ability to say when something is upsetting you.

 

Do not be afraid to seek help with this as you explore it further. Be kind to yourself and listen to your needs as you are working through these relationship issues.