How do I find myself and my motivation behind actions?

Let's begin by establishing the healthiness of the relationship and the attitudes about blame from our family of origin. In a healthy coupling which partner was or is infertile shouldn't really matter. It's a problem for the pair. They, not he, have infertility issues. The next focus is what is the need to dwell on this topic, as opposed to moving forward with solutions to this issue.

Many times our family of origin plays a critical role in this. How we were taught to face adversity or how to address losses in our lives. How we were treated by primary parental figures can determine our level of self esteem and self love. This can play out in destructive ways if we weren't loved properly growing up. If we weren't loved, or given attention, which we then felt we had to work or fight for, we might not feel a lot of self love as adults. We may personalize a barrier like a spouse's infertility as justification to our feelings of "things never work out for me", "I never get what I want", "why can't I have what I want". These are natural emotional reactions to parental figures who withheld or loved us poorly. We see losses or barriers or even failures later in life as a reinforcement that we aren't lovable and our lives won't work out as we planned. 

Further, if blaming others was a pattern in our family then we are more likely to blame a spouse for something they have no control over - an infertility issue. How our parents communicated for both spouses is also hugely important. If problems were ignored in our home, disappointment wasn't handled well, we were judged for our mistakes, failures or losses, we may struggle to communicate effectively our needs or wants to our partner. We may also people please or avoid conflict, which are both destructive patterns to speaking honestly about what we are feeling and needing from our partner. 

The Non-Violent Communication technique by Marshall Rosenberg would be a primary step in developing the couple's communication skills so that they can navigate this barrier in their lives and find their way to loving solutions that actually bolster, nurture and strengthen the bonds between them. Couples who make the importance of their bond, over issues they may face in life, the more important factor to their happiness can navigate issues like this in such a way their love grows between them rather than diminishes.