How do I get out of a relationship, where I am now lying to everyone around me, including myself?

Hi Kyle.  Thanks for your question.  I'll try to reflect a little of what I read in your question and will give you some ideas for moving forward.

First, I don't think there's any simple answer to the question, "How do I get out of a relationship in which I am deeply unhappy?"  Relationships have the potential to be the most wonderful parts of our lives and to enrich us, but when they're going poorly, they also have the potential to do the opposite and to cause deep misery.  I would suggest, if you're feeling consistently and deeply frustrated, sad, and unfulfilled, that you seek support at this time to help you through, whether from a professional individual therapist, professional couple's therapist, informal support networks such as friends/family, or a support group.  It sounds like at least a portion of your unhappiness stems from feeling alienated, isolated, and alone, and any one of these options for support would probably help you to feel less so, and might be able to work with you on your goal of exiting the relationship.

It sounds like you've made up your mind about wanting to leave this relationship, so I won't bother focusing on strategies to stay in the relationship.  You make a couple of interesting assertions in your question and statement above.  You state that you lie to your partner for the purpose of maintaining the peace in your relationship, despite feeling ashamed of lying and believing that you're doing the wrong thing.  Why are you lying in an attempt to maintain the peace in a relationship in which you're unhappy, and from which you want to escape?  You suggest that the reason is that these lies buy you a little time to yourself during which your partner isn't giving you a hard time or unhappy.  It's possible these lies, and avoiding the truth with your partner, are part of what's allowing the relationship to coast on in this unhappy manner.  What would happen if you told your partner the truth about your earnings?  And what would happen if you told your partner the truth about how you're feeling, about how unhappy you are?  Would she be devastated?  Would she fight to stay married?  Or is it possible that this would be the first step towards getting what you want (to leave the relationship)?  And if so, what would that mean for you?  You also assert that you can't talk about big issues in your marriage, but I can almost guarantee this isn't true.  You can talk about big stuff (in fact you're doing it right now), but for some reason you're deciding not to talk about it in your marriage.  It might feel impossible because it's so difficult to start and because of the wall between you and your partner, but that doesn't mean that it is impossible.

I'd suggest doing some thinking about what it is keeping you stuck.  What are your fears?  What will happen to you financially should you separate?  What will happen with your kids?  And what will happen to you?  Often, change is the hardest thing we do in our lives.

Best,

Gabrielle