How do I get over a girl?

Hi Josh,

I'm sorry to hear about your current experience. A break-up of a relationship can be a very painful experience. It further complicates things if it was abrupt, unexpected, or left you without getting closure. I'm not sure of the circumstances of your particular relationship break-up. However, I can assure you that you are not alone in your experience. These difficult situations happen to many others. How everyone navigates it can look different depending on the individual. It is important for you to find healthy ways that can work for you in getting through this time.

There are a few process questions I would encourage you to consider as you work through this difficult time.

• My first question is what was your life like before the relationship? Were you taking care of yourself and eating in a healthy way at that time? Were you motivated to do things? Is it possible to get back to that place if you did it before?
• My next question is who is "Josh" outside of a relationship? What is your identify as a a single person? Did any of that identity get lost in the relationship? How do you get that “Josh” back?
• My third question is concerned with possible codependency in the relationship. Having a decrease in appetite and motivation happens to many people after a painful break-up. But if it goes on for an extended length of time, that can be concerning. Were there any possible codependency behaviors in the relationship, meaning things like your sense of well-being, self-esteem, security, etc. was dependent on your partner? If that is the case, those are unhealthy behaviors that really need to be processed and evaluated before the next relationship.
• My fourth question is about really evaluating your relationship. Are you looking at it with rose-colored glasses? Were there red flags that signaled it might not have been the best relationship for you?
• My next question is what lessons can you learn from this relationship that can help you in the next relationship? What did you learn about yourself and others during that time? What do you want to do differently that can lead to a healthier outcome for you?
• Lastly, who is in your support system and how can they help you during this time? Giving yourself some space to process and think can be helpful. However, completing isolating from others during this difficult time may not be the healthiest thing to do right now. Involve your support system and let them know what you need.

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), one main focus is interrupting negative thought patterns and replacing them with alternative ones that can give you a more positive outlook on your situation. Instead of thinking something like "My life has gone downhill" or "Nothing is good because of the break-up,” perhaps think of this time as a great opportunity for self-growth and to experience new things. Remind yourself that this is a difficult time that many others have experienced. You're not alone and you can get through it.

In Narrative Therapy, part of the journey is to help clients start living their preferred story. For example, write out how you see what your life's journey has been up until this point. Think about what you would want your preferred narrative to be versus the one that you are currently living. Then write out that preferred narrative. Ask yourself "What would it look like to start healing from this experience?" "How would things be different in my life if I was able to move on from this relationship break-up in a healthy way?"

Getting to the other side of a painful relationship break-up is a process and doesn't happen overnight. I encourage you to be kind and patient with yourself as you work towards managing this difficult time and improving your emotional well-being overall.

A Few Tips:

• Keeping a journal is a healthy outlet for your thoughts. Use it to process some of the questions posed above and the feelings you are experiencing.
• Try to resist the urge to connect with your ex if it will not be healthy. Try writing out thoughts instead of messaging them.
• Take a step back from social media if needed. Stop yourself from looking up information that will only be hurtful in the long run.
• Avoid numbing behaviors like increased drug/alcohol usage.
• Develop a good self-care routine. This can help with anxiety and stress management and boost positive feelings. This routine should include ways to get physical exercise, improve nutrition, sleep, and getting out and doing fun things you enjoy.
• Do things to boost your self-confidence: Find 2 to 3 things daily that you did well or went well for you. Seek out positive affirmations. Think about what gives you purpose and fulfillment.
• Use your support system in a healthy way. Seek out the people in your life that support you, make you laugh, help you with calmness.
• Make a list of ways you can use your alone time in a healthy way. What interests/hobbies do you want to get back into or do more of? What new experiences would you like to try?
• Volunteering is a great way to do something meaningful with your time while meeting new people.
• Perhaps look into group or individual therapy to help get to the underlying feelings attached to the relationship break-up.