How do I go to therapy when I don’t want to?

This is a great question to ask John, I have been a therapist for over a decade now and sometimes getting into therapy can be really hard. If you're not used to opening up or talking about yourself in a very personal way then it may take a few sessions to get used to talking to a therapist. In the world of counseling we call this building rapport, which means getting to know each other to where you're a little bit more comfortable talking about serious things. So back to your initial question, how do I go to therapy when I don't really want to? You do it by just getting to know your therapist at first, don't even bother talking about anything seriously and talk about the things that you enjoy talking about. Building rapport will make you more comfortable, which will make explaining your emotions and talking about the difficulties of your relationship so much easier. But I can tell you that no matter what the first few minutes of your first session will feel very awkward, it's going to be a new ground for you and you will be a little uncomfortable and there is nothing wrong with that. However, if you give it time and allow for your relationship with a therapist to develop a little more I'm sure it will thrive.

If you would like, you can create a profile on BetterHelp and get connected with a therapist within 24 hours. All you have to do is fill out a few questions about yourself and the type of therapy you're looking for then choose your therapist or be automatically linked to one. If you end up getting a therapist that you don't connect with well at first you are always more than welcome to choose another one. 

You and your girlfriend have been together for a long time, it seems like for you the right choice is to get into some therapy and at least see what happens. I have counseled hundreds of couples and have had the enjoyment of seeing them correct and change their problems and form an amazing bond. There is no reason that this can't happen for you and your girlfriend.

One piece of advice I would like to give you that's something that I told the vast majority of the couples that I work with and the people I work with - The first and most important thing is that it is your job to change you and your girlfriend's job to change herself, never the other way around. It is very easy to get caught up and try to change the other person when in reality the best thing you can do is look in the mirror and ask yourself what you need to change. But more importantly, it is impossible to change your partner because you are not them. You cannot force somebody else to change, you can only change yourself which is why you need to put your focus into that. When you focus on trying to change the other person you end up getting more frustrated and more bitter with that person because you're not seeing the results that you want to see, and you never will because you can't change somebody else, you can only change yourself.

In order to have a more satisfying relationship you should always be pursuing these three things.

• The first thing is acceptance towards your partner, you must accept them for who they are and not be actively trying to change them like we were just talking about. When you accept them and enjoy them for who they are you unburden yourself from trying to change them and you get to appreciate them for who they are.
• Which brings me to the second thing, you must have gratitude for your partner. Gratitude is the great healer to bitterness and resentment, it is impossible to hold a grudge for somebody you have so much gratitude for. Showing gratitude towards your partner means recognizing and celebrating the good things they are bringing into the relationship and enjoying them. The more you practice having gratitude towards your partner the easier it is to recognize all the good things they are doing for you and for the two of you as a couple.
• Final thing that I encourage every couple to have and to pursue is forgiveness. Nobody will hurt you in life as much as your long-term partner hurts you and you will never hurt anybody in your life as much as you hurt your long-term partner. The truth is we are all human and we make stupid mistakes and we hurt one another, this is why you have to be willing to forgive each other. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting about things that happened in the past and pretending they didn't hurt you, it also doesn't mean ignoring really bad or inappropriate behavior. Instead forgiveness means choosing to not see your partner through the lens of their mistakes, it means giving them an opportunity to apologize for what they did and to continue becoming a better partner.

If you continue to pursue these three things with your girlfriend it will help the two of you grow as a couple and to enjoy each other more often. I hope you're able to find something in here that helps and I wish you the best of luck on your journey into therapy. I'm sure you will find a therapist that works perfectly for you and that you will become more of the man that you want to be.