How do I heal my broken shattered heart?

Rejection can be tough. It sounds like you are grieving the loss of what you had hoped for y'alls future together.  You feeling hurt and sad after a heartbreak is completely understandable. I am imagining that his lack of response made you feel worse. It seems like once you revealed to him what it is you wanted from him, he then shared with you that he was not yet ready for that level of commitment. I can see how this would feel extremely painful for you. However, it seems the more you continue to pursue someone who is clearly emotionally unavailable, the worse you will feel about yourself. It seems like you may have developed an unhealthy attachment to this person.

Your relationship took a heavy emotional toll on you as you alluded to your mental health shattering. Even if it was not a healthy relationship,  it is still a loss nonetheless. Grieving a relationship loss can resemble the stages of grief- denial,  anger, bargaining,  depression, and acceptance - we typically find in the loss of someone's life. A typical grief reaction is anywhere from six months to a year depending on several different factors.

You already started the healing process by merely breaking the silence. It is not easy to navigate the devastating effects of a breakup. Reaching out for help is certainly no easy feat either. But the good news is that you have shown a heap of courage when you submitted your question to us on BetterHelp. Now you no longer have to bear the burden of the emotional pain you have endured for so long in isolation. 

Healing requires time and work, and we cannot rush either. Most of the work is related to countering the negative core beliefs by words and actions. I imagine you may be reinforcing some negative core beliefs linked with rejection or not being good enough the more you seek out or yearn for this guy. 

I encourage you to instead invest your emotional energy in taking care of yourself - speaking kindly to yourself, eating well, moving your body more, hanging out with people who make you feel good, etc. Working with a therapist can help you reach the goal of moving past your ex, but more importantly, finding new ways to cope and heal from this loss so that you can recover fully from this loss and move forward in your life towards the new possibilities that await you.