How do I help my husband understand how I am feeling and get what I need from him?

Dear Starr,

It was very wise of you to reach out and ask this question.  You are longing for things to be different within your marriage and it is painful to be in a place where your husband is not coming alongside you.  When we get married, that is what we envision.  Our spouse will come alongside us and build a life together.  So when he has been showing in action that he is not making the compromises, not bending for things that you long for and not having compassion for all that you have to change, that is deeply frustrating and painful.  

I want to first of all validate how you are feeling and why you are feeling this way.  Secondly, I want to help you have some perspective of where you are at right now. And lastly, I want to give you some guidance on where to go from here, to hopefully move into a more give and take relationship where there is more of a balance of giving and taking on both parties sides.  

First of all, your pain is very real in this situation.  It sounds like you had a very different vision of what was going to happen in this relationship.  And because of that, it hurts deeply to feel alone in a marriage, where you were looking forward to connection and compromise.  When folks are in the situation that you are in, it is common to feel a deep desire for a balance of giving and taking.  It is also very common that relationships struggle at the beginning to figure out how to do that together.  I wonder, before you got married, did your husband show in action that he was willing to compromise, bend to what you want and have compassion for what you do for him, for the relationship and in life in general?  Is this a behavior that he displayed before you got married?  Is this a behavior that he displayed before you were thinking of moving in together?  It is hard to see him acting this way and I wonder if this is a new behavior or an old, usual behavior?  
If this is a new behavior, I can see how this is very surprising and discouraging, especially after committing your life to him.  
And if this is a continued behavior that he has shown to you throughout the relationship, I want to validate that this hurts now and I am sure that he has hurt you in the past too.  Both are painful, and it is hard to trust that he is going to change easily because of what he has shown you throughout the relationship.  We will talk a bit more about that later.  

Another question I have that I want to pose to help you with your perspective of this situation - Because of what you are going through right now, do you speak up about what you are wanting from your husband?  Do you communicate what you are needing from him?  
And as I ask this question, I want to be very direct.  Sometimes in relationships, we can complain and yell and get very upset that we are not getting what we want and need in our relationships. But we also don't get very direct and say, "Honey, I have been wanting to go to that new restaurant in town.  Can we go there sometime in the next few weeks together?"  Instead of, "You never take me out any more."  When we are vague and blaming the other person, it is very hard for our significant other to want to step up to doing what we long for.  If we are direct and honest about what our specific needs are, they are more easily going to get met.

Another piece of the puzzle I want to talk about - due to the short time that you have been in a married relationship, there are going to be bumps and struggles and hard times.  That is very common and it is why there are so many different resources to help people with building loving and respectful relationships.  I would encourage you to seek out some support to help you learn how to be the wife that you want to be.  There is power in living a life of honesty, where you figure out what you want to be in this relationship and then follow through with that desired behavior, no matter what the other person is doing.  Many times, in relationships we are quick to keep score of what the other person is doing and then try to make sure they are doing what they should be doing, but do not look at what is our responsibility.  So as I think of your experience, it is going to be important to get very specific about what you need in this relationship and ask direct requests.

One of the resources that many of my clients find is helpful, and challenging is the Empowered Wife podcast and The Surrendered Wife book.  These are done by Laura Doyle.  They are very good, helpful information and guidance.  It is also challenging to do at times because it really challenges you to take complete ownership for your actions, your needs and caring for your life.  And it also is very effective and has helped millions of marriages.  

Another resource that I think might be helpful for you is a choice of several books.  There is Codependent No More that talks about how to stand up for yourself and to not seek to make him happy first and foremost.  Another book is Boundaries which is the same book but has a Christian perspective if you want that.  These are great books to guide you to ask for what you need and be direct, like I had talked about, as well as set boundaries for people who struggle with our No's.  

I also want to encourage you to get support as you are making this move.  It is a lovely thought to think of our significant others filling a void in our lives and that being sufficient.  But that is not the case.  We are social beings that need support from many different places and different perspectives.  I encourage you to seek to get support from friends, loved ones, maybe a therapist or mentor or spiritual guide.  Seek to have a place where you can express what you are feeling and needing and really building different places to be heard and seen.  

I hope that you can continue to keep moving forward in your ability to ask for what you need, build good support and make sure that you are taking care of yourself regularly.  This is your job and it is important to take care of yourself well!

Best wishes.

Paula