How do I help my relationship become better?

Thank you for submitting your question. Navigating and maintain relationships can be challenging. It can become further challenging when other stressful events are also present.  It appears that you may have experienced multiple changes during a short period of time. In the beginning of a relationship, you are often adjusting to each other and learning about each other and yourselves in the relationship. It appears that as this process was taking place, things were going well for both of you. However, you mentioned that after 5 months, there were new elements that became a part of your relationship dynamic. Were there other changes that precipitated the need to move in with your boyfriends' parents? If so, I suspect that those factors could contribute to the adjustments, not to mention adapting to a new home environment which can change the dynamic of your relationship overall. As a result, you are often relearning each other in the context of others and the environment, which may be slightly different from your prior experiences with your partner.  

As you have mentioned it appears that the relationship has been improving since moving out. Are there elements that you notice that have contributed to this change?  Perhaps distance has been helpful to communication, which may allow for the opportunity to rest, reset and repair. The awareness and reflection of what is going well currently, can be eye opening to developing awareness as you move forward.  

The awareness of your own relationship goals, values, and needs can be extremely helpful. As you continue to teach each other in the context of relationships. It can be helpful to recognize your partner's goals, values and needs. Are these similar, and if not is that something that you can be okay with as you continue your relationship? I think it’s fair to state that no relationship is perfect or without disagreements. However, it is important that you feel safe, and respected during those time of disagreements. It can also be helpful to recognize that we are rarely able to change others, without their efforts or acknowledgement that change can be beneficial. Communication is the connection that can help to identify these areas of focus.  

Effective communication skills can allow you to explain your perspective in a way that can be supportive to your discussions or disagreements. This is often termed as fair fighting. It is unrealistic to imagine that you will always agree or have the same perspective in a situation. There are healthy ways to express your feelings and opinions to your partner. Listening plays a primary role in communication and talking through situations that you may not agree on. It can be helpful to truly listen without the intention of interrupting or immediately responding. Some questions to reflect upon may include, “What am I hearing them say, do I truly understand the information that they are providing, and do I need further clarification. If so, this is the opportunity to ask vs making assumptions. This clarity and communication can often diffuse or avoid miscommunication or misunderstandings.  Also, is it possible that there is some truth to what your partner is trying to communicate even though it may be difficult to hear or process. In addition, it can be helpful to embrace empathy, which allows you to envision things form their perspective or point of view. For instance, acknowledging how they may feel or relaying their words back to them for clarity. Please note that this does not mean you must be in agreement or align with their point of view, but rather gives a reference for further understanding.  

Self-expression can also be important in effective communication with your partner. Self-expression provides the opportunity to be aligned with your own feelings and emotions, while identifying a way to effectively communicate them to others. This would allow you to identify your feelings, thoughts and emotions from your perspective. For example, “I feel” instead of “you’re making me feel”.  

During times of increased stress or adjustment to change may be opportunities to further connect to each other. Again, times of high stress are known as risk factors for relationship challenges. This may be an invitation to be mindful of your own stress responses and implementing ways to reduce them. It can also be an opportunity to mindful connect with each other. For example, bidding for each other’s affection, and showing affection towards each other. It can also be helpful to make increased efforts to spend quality time together, that allows for discussion of things outside of the stressor that you are working through on other things that you enjoy. In turn it may also allow you to express appreciation when things that are going well, or reflecting on the good times that you had together in the past. This can allow for a balanced mindset, as opposed to focusing only on the things that are not going well. As a reminder these can be helpful in the context of a healthy relationship in which you feel safe and respected.

Relationship’s take two individuals working together collectively with a common goal. Improvements can take place in communication if you are working towards it. However, it can further improve if both of you are participating in effective commination and respect towards each other. Couples counseling can be a wonderful opportunity to speak with a neutral individual you can assist with providing guidance and discussion as you continue to work on your relationship. 

BetterHelp offers individual and couples counseling that can be utilized to more specifically address the concerns that you have identified.