How do I know I’m not over reacting a situation?

I broke up with my boyfriend a while ago, then we got in contact again. While we were in contact I slept with an other guy (nothing official between me and my ex at the moment) He asked me yesterday if I had had something with someone else since we broke up. Now things are weird between us and I feel like he tries to shame me for doing that, while I know I didn’t own him nothing. Am I overreacting? How am I supposed to handle the situation? I feel like I’m the bad person in this situation, he even said he regrets not having sex with a girl because he thought I was not « like that »
Asked by Daph
Answered
12/05/2021

Hello Daph,

Firstly, you and your boyfriend were not together when you slept with another person (insert Friends fight between Ross and Rachel, “we were on a break!”).  So, let’s be sure to keep in mind the facts of the situation as we proceed.  In reference to my Friends quote, this is a situation where one person thought one thing and the other person was thinking another and how neither is right nor wrong as they are both entitled to view their relationship how they want, but that doesn’t mean the other has to agree with them.  So here, your boyfriend was thinking, or projecting, that you were going to stay loyal to him, even though you weren’t together.  But what he is really saying in this scenario is “my feelings are hurt” and his way of getting back at you for non-intentionally hurting his feelings is to place guilt and shame on you so that he doesn’t have to feel his own feelings.  For him to go as far as to say that he regrets not have sex with another girl just further indicates this point, not to mention, his maturity level.  You are not responsible for how he feels and reacts but, he is trying to make you feel this way.  Overreaction implies that you are not having an appropriate response to his reaction to you.  It’s ok to feel bad about what he said, but that doesn’t make you a bad person.  It’s kind of garbage for him to make you feel that way and it would be a better situation if he would own his own feelings but, we can’t control what he says or does, we can only control how you react and respond to them.  The better question here, is if you two broke up, and this is how he is going to act getting back together, then why do you think this relationship is worth your time and energy?  Sounds like things between you guys didn’t work the first time and given his reaction to you now, it might be a good thing to ask yourself.  As for your original question, it sounds like the overreaction might be on his behalf and not necessarily yours.  

(MA, LMFT)