How do I know when I need to walk away before I end up empty?

Hello, and thank you for reaching out for help today. I first would like to thank you so much for having the courage and strength to reach out for help and ask this question. It is not easy to put such intimate details about our lives and our challenges out there for a complete stranger to weigh in on. I truly appreciate your willingness to do so and I truly believe this is the first step toward achieving a healthier and happier you.

There is quite a bit to unpack here as I read through the question that you submitted. “How do I know when I need to walk away before I end up empty?“ What an incredibly intense question and one that there is truly no easy answer to. You mentioned that you have been in a relationship for years and over time it has devolved into seemingly consistent fights and arguments. You also mention feeling as though you have to choose between your own happiness and theirs. I wonder though, if the relationship is truly all fighting and little to no peaceful communication, is anyone happy in this relationship? You also state that this person says they are willing to work on themselves which suggests that both of you agree his approach and communication style is a big part of the overall problem. I wonder, have there been promises in the past for these issues to be addressed? Has there been follow-through in the years that the two of you have been together and have you seen any effort or improvement in that time? You are clearly at a point right now where you’re feeling overwhelmed and stuck and unsure of the next move to make. And while therapy cannot make that move for you it can be an excellent resource in identifying what the healthiest path may be for all parties.

Getting back to your initial question of how you will know when you need to walk away. There is no easy answer for that question but I will try to address it broadly as best as I can. Ultimately, this is something that only you can answer for yourself. Only you can look inward and identify whether or not you have the energy to carry on in this relationship. There are so many things that need to be explored in coming to that decision as well. What are the action steps being taken to improve the communication and decrease the arguments? What efforts are you engaging in and what efforts is he engaging in? Are these efforts sufficient and are you able to see any progress that gives you a sense that things could improve? Changes in a relationship, communication styles and the overall dynamic in the partnership can take a great amount of time. Do you have the energy and ability to give it the time it needs? What toll is it taking on you? And how much of this are you taking on as your own personal burden? Are you taking on too much? Are you trying to control things that are simply out of your control and fix things that need to be fixed by somebody else? At the end of the day, there’s only so much that you can do. You have to accept and submit to the fact that your power has limitations and your partner is the other 50% of the equation. Are they all in? Are you?

I know a lot of my answer is just a maze of questions that need to be explored. But it is so important that these questions be answered so that you can make the most informed decision. At the end of the day, you must be your highest priority and so ultimately so much of the answer to your question will in the long run come from you.

Therapy can help you to get to that place though. In working with a counselor you may be able to tease out many bits and pieces, answer many of these questions and finally come to a conclusion that you know will be best for you and your children. You have already taken the first step by asking and I feel confident that you will ultimately come up with the best solution. I wish you the very best in your journey.